Sunday, November 13, 2011

Sunday 11/13/11

I got on the scale this morning.  It looks like I may be down at least a pound.  Weigh in is tomorrow.  I am in TOPS.  My normal behavior is to now sabatoge myself.  I usually manage to eat like I'm starving today and tomorrow.  Then when I weigh in on Monday night I have a gain.  I don't know what causes the eating binge.  Why can't I succeed? Psychiatrists will say that you behave a certain way be cause of the rewards you get from it.  I have no idea what the reward is or why I do this.  I did have a therapist my ex-husband was seeing tell me, "Your mother isn't around to beat up on you anymore so you do it yourself".  Really?  Am I that mentally ill. I surely could be.  Mother is quite insane.  I didn't realize how nuts until my brother grew up and I realized he is exactly like her.  I have those qualities too.  I have been on Zoloft for years and I truly believe it helps me contain my temper.  I think I remain calm when otherwise I would go off the deep end.
So back to my problem... Why can't I be successful.  I feel like such a loser in so many areas of my life.  I have always felt lower than everyone else.  I think I may have to blame that on Mother also.  I don't recall when she started calling me worthless.  It had to be before junior high school.  I was in 7th grade when she threw me out in the middle of winter and at night.  She had one of her hissy fits and threw the coffee pot at me.  I put up my arm to shield my face and it hit my wrist bone and broke.  She then went into a tailspin screaming that I would have to buy her a new coffee pot since I broke this one.  Then the part of my personality (logic) that I must have gotten from Dad kicked in.  (BTW - He was at work)  Why should I buy a new coffee pot, you threw it.  Holy Crap hittin' the fan, batman.  I guess I went off on a tangent there.  Basically, I feel like a loser.  But is that why I eat?
Now for good things.  Yesterday was a good day.  Not everything I ate was good for me but it was in moderation.  I made homemade vegetable beef soup.  It hardly has any calories but I did eat too much of it. But for me that was a good day. 
I am grateful for my husband and the home we have made together.  I am grateful that we still have jobs and are able to buy food to eat when so many others do not have these things.  I am glad I remembered the boy scouts were coming thru yesterday and I got my stuff for the food bank out in time.  See you tomorrow.

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