It's Monday. I will weigh in tonight. I have been maintaining the 245lb mark. Yo-yoing between 243 - 245. Food wise it was a good weekend. But as far as activity goes it was pretty bad. Didn't really do much of anything.
I am starting Lesson 1 in the book "A course in Weight Loss". There is a list of words and I am to write down what is true about these words to me. So here goes:
Shame - I am ashamed of...Off the top...my weight. My body. I am ashamed that I have lost my temper numerous times in my life. I am ashamed at some of my past behavior. I am ashamed at some of the choices I have made in my life. I am ashamed that I can not control my eating. I am ashamed of the people I may have hurt by my words and actions with the exception of my ex.
Anger - I am angry at...myself. I am angry that I have allowed my self to weigh this much. I am angry that I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 25 years. I am angry at my mother for the emotional and physical abuse I endured. I am angry that she continually destroyed my self esteem. I am angry that my mother is still not a very nice person. I am angry that my ex got so much of all I had worked for over the years. I am angry that the bank I worked at was sold and I lost my job. I am angry at myself for giving into cravings and urges to eat. I am angry at my lack of food control. I am angry that I have this need to eat to fill an emotional need. I am probably still angry that my dad died so young.
Fear - I am afraid of... Apparently losing weight. If I wasn't afraid of it than I probably could do it. Not sure if that is really true. I am afraid of failing but I do it so often I should be used to it by now. I am afraid of new things. I am terrified of bugs and bats but I don't think the book is going in that direction. I am still afraid of my mother.
Unforgiveness - I haven't forgiven...my ex...for the years of lies and broken promises. I haven't forgiven mother for the years of pain. I haven't forgiven the neighbor guy who made life miserable for my mother and siblings. I think for the most part I am not hanging on to a lot of baggage in this area.
Judgement - I judge...my ex for being a pig. I judge my brother for being a drunk. I judge the government for being greedy and stupid. I judge mean people for the horrible things they do. I judge my mother for being a nut job.
There are so bery many words on this list. I will continue tomorrow.