I didn't blog yesterday because I was so depressed. That's the excuse I am using anyway!. I weighed in Monday night. I actually lost a pound from the previous week. I only have about 6 ounces to go and I will be under 240. This should be making me happy. Yesterday was a good food day and I exercised for 45 minutes. It should be a good food day today too since my jaw is screwed up again and it hurts to eat. Of course, that has never stopped me before.
So to continue in lesson one of my "A Course in Weight Loss" I need to go back and add to anger. I realized that I am angry with my husband. I believe he is trying to motivate me but his lecturing on weight loss and exercising are so demoralizing. I'm sure any therapist would say " have you told him this?" I am angry that I should have to tell him that. I want him to be encouraging and self esteem lifting.
Okay - Next word in the lesson...
Disdain - I feel disdain for... those that judge me without knowing me or my struggles. They do not know what I have survived. I feel disdain for those that must talk over others to make their point. I feel disdain for those that must put your opionions down because they don't agree with them.
Excess Responsibility - I am responsible for...Me. Before my new life (the end of 2007) I had so much excess resposibility that I was contantly trying to stay afloat. Then one day everything changed. I am just responsible for me. I no longer live by my family so I don't take care of them any more. I just have me. My husband is quite self sufficient. What I do for him any personal assistant could do (mostly).
Pressure - I feel so pressured about... losing weight. Not meeting my own personal goals. Whether those goals are reading, spiritual Bible study, prayer, meditation, crafting, cleaning house. I just don't do what I need to do therefore adding pressure to me. I do it to myself.
Exhaustion - I am exhausted because...I am always tired. Mentally and emotionally. I shouldn't feel this way. I have a good life. All that is really wrong with me is the weight and the trickle down effect from that. We commute to our jobs for about 3 hours a day. It is what people do here. That does get very tiring too.
I get up at 4:00am and I believe my internal clock says 7:00am so that doesn't help.
Burden - I am burdened by... my weight, my past decisions. I am burdened by my own thoughts.
There is truly a pattern here. Much of the answers to these words does come down to weight.
Well here's to hoping for a good day despite my baggage.