Wednesday, July 25, 2012


I didn't blog yesterday because I was so depressed.  That's the excuse I am using anyway!.  I weighed in Monday night.  I actually lost a pound from the previous week.  I only have about 6 ounces to go and I will be under 240.  This should be making me happy.  Yesterday was a good food day and I exercised for 45 minutes.  It should be a good food day today too since my jaw is screwed up again and it hurts to eat.  Of course, that has never stopped me before.

So to continue in lesson one of my "A Course in Weight Loss" I need to go back and add to anger.  I realized that I am angry with my husband.  I believe he is trying to motivate me but his lecturing on weight loss and exercising are so demoralizing.  I'm sure any therapist would say " have you told him this?"  I am angry that I should have to tell him that.  I want him to be encouraging and self esteem lifting. 

Okay - Next word in the lesson...
Disdain - I feel disdain for... those that judge me without knowing me or my struggles.  They do not know what I have survived.  I feel disdain for those that must talk over others to make their point.  I feel disdain for those that must put your opionions down because they don't agree with them.

Excess Responsibility - I am responsible for...Me.  Before my new life (the end of 2007) I had so much excess resposibility that I was contantly trying to stay afloat.  Then one day everything changed.  I am just responsible for me.  I no longer live by my family so I don't take care of them any more.  I just have me.  My husband is quite self sufficient.  What I do for him any personal assistant could do (mostly).

Pressure - I feel so pressured about... losing weight.  Not meeting my own personal goals.  Whether those goals are reading, spiritual Bible study, prayer, meditation, crafting, cleaning house.  I just don't do what I need to do therefore adding pressure to me.  I do it to myself.

Exhaustion - I am exhausted because...I am always tired.  Mentally and emotionally.  I shouldn't feel this way.  I have a good life.  All that is really wrong with me is the weight and the trickle down effect from that.  We commute to our jobs for about 3 hours a day.  It is what people do here.  That does get very tiring too.
I get up at 4:00am and I believe my internal clock says 7:00am so that doesn't help.

Burden - I am burdened by... my weight, my past decisions.  I am burdened by my own thoughts.

There is truly a pattern here.  Much of the answers to these words does come down to weight. 

Well here's to hoping for a good day despite my baggage.

Monday, July 23, 2012


It's Monday.  I will weigh in tonight.  I have been maintaining the 245lb mark.  Yo-yoing between 243 - 245.  Food wise it was a good weekend.  But as far as activity goes it was pretty bad.  Didn't really do much of anything.
I am starting Lesson 1 in the book "A course in Weight Loss".  There is a list of words and I am to write down what is true about these words to me.  So here goes:

Shame - I am ashamed of...Off the weight. My body.  I am ashamed that I have lost my temper numerous times in my life.  I am ashamed at some of my past behavior.  I am ashamed at some of the choices I have made in my life.  I am ashamed that I can not control my eating.   I am ashamed of the people I may have hurt by my words and actions with the exception of my ex.

Anger - I am angry at...myself.  I am angry that I have allowed my self to weigh this much.  I am angry that I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 25 years.  I am angry at my mother for the emotional and physical abuse I endured. I am angry that she continually destroyed my self esteem.  I am angry that my mother is still not a very nice person.  I am angry that my ex got so much of all I had worked for over the years.  I am angry that the bank I worked at was sold and I lost my job.  I am angry at myself for giving into cravings and urges to eat. I am angry at my lack of food control.  I am angry that I have this need to eat to fill an emotional need.  I am probably still angry that my dad died so young.

Fear - I am afraid of... Apparently losing weight.  If I wasn't afraid of it than I probably could do it.  Not sure if that is really true.  I am afraid of failing but I do it so often I should be used to it by now.  I am afraid of new things.  I am terrified of bugs and bats but I don't think the book is going in that direction.  I am still afraid of my mother.

Unforgiveness - I haven't ex...for the years of lies and broken promises.  I haven't forgiven mother for the years of pain.  I haven't forgiven the neighbor guy who made life miserable for my mother and siblings.  I think for the most part I am not hanging on to a lot of baggage in this area.

Judgement - I ex for being a pig.  I judge my brother for being a drunk.  I judge the government for being greedy and stupid.  I judge mean people for the horrible things they do.  I judge my mother for being a nut job.

There are so bery many words on this list.  I will continue tomorrow.

Friday, July 20, 2012


I haven't blogged in quite a while.  I just have no focus. Especially when it comes to dealing with my food addiction.  My husband is getting distressed about the weight gain and not losing.  He is also distressed about the health issues I am causing myself.  Anytime I try to start on a path of self correction my behavior sabatoges it.  It is like deep down I don't want to get better.  How can that be?

Today I started reading "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson.  Hopefully I can stick with it.  The first few pages already hit home.  When you have been abused physical or emotion (I have both), you have FEAR and can become a compulsive overeater or a food addict.  That is me.  Here are some of my notes on what I have learned so far.  Prayer and Meditation allow us to access our inner wisdom more intentionally.  Hmmm. 

Fear is insane, destructive, violent, disease producing, lacking, perverting your true nature.

Addiction is self destructive behavior over which their conscious mind has little or no self control.

Can I place my problems in the hands of God?  Am I willing to consider the possibility that God can outwit my insanity?

So for this moment - Dear God, please help me to continue on a path of self healing. Amen