Monday, August 22, 2016

Monday 8/22/16

Today is my last Monday at my job in DC.  I love this job.  But I can't take it to Wisconsin with me.
We are still living in a sea of boxes.  This week the last of our food will be eaten.  I am excited and nervous.  So glad to be going home but there is so much that can go wrong in the next 10 days.

Since my stitching is packed along with everything else, I have just been reading.  I am up to book 55 this year.

Since I am moving home, I have had a lot more thoughts about mom.  Sure wish she could have stayed healthy until I got there.  So strange to think of her as gone.  Looking forward to spending time with my niece.  She has severe anxiety and I think we could benefit from some quality time together.
I am eating too much.  Again.  Not really binging but my portion sizes are too big.  Need to take a breath and calm down.

Peace and Love

Monday, August 8, 2016

Monday August 8, 2016

Haven't been motivated to do much of anything lately.  Our apartment is mostly packed up so I am living in a sea of boxes.  It has been 98 degrees out.  So very humid out.  I can barely breathe when I am outside.  I have been reading so much this year.  But now that everything is packed that is all I have to do.  I am on my 49th book this year. 


My husband and I drove around upper Maryland and dipped into Pennsylvania to stop at Gettysburg.  We stopped at the Catoctin Zoo and State Park.  We also stopped at antique stores.  We passed through Cascade MD and saw Fort Ritchie.  It was built in WWI era.  But it is all rock and shaped like little castles.  Loved it.  It was so hot and humid, I was soaking wet most of the day.


We move back to Wisconsin on the 30th of this month.  We will be driving so we hope to be in WI by the evening of the 31st.  We will have the cats with us in the car so we want to go as far as we can each day to get them to their new home soon.  They will be so traumatized by this trip.  I just hope they don't get sick. 

Friday, July 22, 2016

Friday July 22 2016

Finally getting back to my blog.  I think I am starting to recover from the horrible month of June and losing our mother.  Things in June were such a madhouse.  Flying back and forth from DC to WI. But we got my mom's apartment cleaned out by June 30th.  

In June, my husband and I bought a home in WI too. We will be moving there at the end of August.  We both gave our bosses notice that August 26th will be our last days to work.  I just wish mom could have made it for me to move "back home".  I think we would have had some good times.

My husband has us almost totally packed already so we are living in a sea of boxes.  In some ways I dread unpacking them.  But in other ways I am looking forward to organizing and purging once we get there.  There is a facebook page for selling items in our new home town so I hope to make a little cash off my purged junk.  I will be excited to get my craft corner set up and organized too.

My husband and I also had our 8th wedding anniversary on July 12th.  This is the first year there has been so much going on that it slipped my mind.  That kind of made me sad. 

I haven't been doing so good about paying attention to my food issues.  Don't feel like I have been on any binges though. 

I haven't been stitching at all.  I was working on my Mason Jar Lineup about 2 months or so ago and I love the picture but I am hating the stitching of it.  So instead I have been reading like a maniac.  I am up to 44 books read this year.  I have them listed on this blog on a different page.  See above.

Monday, my replacement starts at work and I will start training her.  I am very worried that she won't be able to deal with my co-worker M the bigot.  I hope she can keep her opinions to herself for awhile.

It is so hot and humid here in DC but looking at the weather it seems a whole lot of the USA is in a heat wave. 

Here is a picture of our tiny house.  I think the garage is bigger than the house.  That is my husband and his brother standing there.



All in all, things are going good.

Friday, July 8, 2016

July 8, 2016

I didn't post in June because it was so awful,  I flew to Wisconsin to spend a week taking care of my mother who was gravely ill.  My sisters had taken the week and a half before I got there.  We stayed with her pretty much 24/7.  She would start to get better so the insurance company would say "okay, she has to leave the hospital". So then we would go to the nursing home/rehab facility.  A total of 7 ambulance rides.  Which did not help things.  I flew home and a few days later she passed away.  Then I flew back to do the funeral and start clearing her apartment out.  Then I went back to work.  then I flew back to help finish cleaning out her apartment by June 30th.

It was exhausting and heartbreaking and that is why I haven't been posting.  I am just so tired.


Friday, June 3, 2016

Friday 06/03/16

I haven't been posting.  My mother is in grave health and not doing well.  Just wanted to let you know why I have not been posting and I probably won't post for another week or so.

Thanks

D.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Friday 05/27/16

We made our quick trip to Wisconsin to see if there really is a little house being built.  It is there and coming along.  I am so very excited to be moving home.  I had a hard time taking pictures because of the sun, But you can see it is a house.





I still have not picked up my stitching.  That's okay I am reading and I love that too. I have all the books from this year listed on a different page on this blog.

OA For Today: I stop in the middle of an old answer, an old habit, an old way of thinking and ask myself: " Is this really the best way, or is there a better one?"  Good advice.

Peace, Love and Hope

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

05/18/16 Wednesday

I finished reading Where We Belong by Emily Giffin.  It is about a woman who gave up her child when she was 18.  I found the family dynamics interesting.

I think my sister is going to make it to Wisconsin this weekend.  She is so strong to leave her husband.  He has made it clear he does not plan to stop drinking so this is what she has to do to be safe and healthy.  So proud of her for protecting herself.

OA For Today: Where I am today is a fine place to start.  That is a good thing to say each time you stumble.  Where I am right now is a fine place to start.

I pay way too much for my cell phone so yesterday I was mildly researching cell phone plans and this seems to be a money pit.  Look where we have gotten ourselves with our dependence on cell phones. Having a cell phone costs a lot more than having electricity.  It seems like you can't get a plain phone that just makes calls and texts.  I will keep looking.


Monday, May 16, 2016

Monday 05/16/16

I couldn't take any more of the 44 day detox from Sunny Dawn Johnston.  I tried to do it again because my sister thinks it is great.  It isn't a detox physically.  It is all about delving into yourself.  But it is everyday you have to dissect a piece of yourself and examine how you feel etc.  I just can't do that everyday.  Some days I would like to feel good about just being me.  So that has fallen by the wayside.  I still get the detox emails so I may look at it but I am not going to participate every day.

I still am not stitching.  I will try to get motivated this week.  We had a good weekend (even if there was no stitching).  Saturday my husband who always has to be "the tough guy" was in a very loving mood.  (you can use your imagination here)  We went for a walk in Old Town Alexandria.  We found a bowl for my sunflower kitchen in a "antique" shop.  There were 2 of them but the one was chipped. We walked around the farmers market and I pointed out to my husband all the things I wanted at our new home.  Like a rhubarb patch, and to grow some basil, parsley, and lavender.



I finished another book.  Murder on the Menu by Miranda Bliss.  It was a quick read.  Now I am reading Where We Belong by Emily Giffen.  The only thing I am going to miss about my commute to work is my reading time.

We are flying to Wisconsin this weekend to check on the house and see how the builders are coming along.  We also have to meet with the stone guy to pick out a color for the front of the house.  My sister from North Dakota was going to come to Wisconsin too but she left her husband yesterday so I am not sure what she will be able to do.  She is staying with a friend until she can figure out where her life is going.  Her husband is an alcoholic and she needs him to get sober but it isn't what he wants so her future is in limbo right now.  I hope she can make it.  I need to hug her so bad.

Peace, Love and Hope,


Saturday, May 14, 2016

Free flamingo pattern 5/14/16

Here is a free pattern from Stitch Me Gifts

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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

05/11/16 Wednesday


I did 15 minutes on my exercise bike again last night.  WooHoo! 2 days in a row.

On the cross-stitching home front, I haven't been stitching at all.  I have packed up all my craft stuff.  I know our move isn't for a couple months yet but we are packing stuff that isn't needed for day to day life.  I kept a bag with a project in it out of the packed stuff.  It is the Mason Jar Line Up kit.  I absolutely love the finished picture but I am not enjoying stitching it.  Kind of the story of my life - avoidance and denial.


Here is the next day in sunnydawnjohnston.com detox.

I Let Go Of:
Unhealthy social media habits – Focusing on social media, instead of being social. That is a very true statement for me.  I moved away from all my friends and family 9 years ago and FaceBook is how I stay connected.  so I look at it all day long to stay connected to them.  But meanwhile, I have made no real friends in the last 9 years.
 
Pivot:
I am harmonious in my relationships. I do not hide from relationships by focusing on other people's lives. It is healthy for me to have an interest and connection with a variety of people. With the internet at my disposal, I can now have this connection all over the world. There is are healthy ways to be a part of social media, and I know when I am not in alignment with them.
 
Affirmation:
“I am communicative and expressive in all my relationships, both in person and online.”
 
Action:
Today, I will notice my behavior around social media. Do I look at my phone while having conversations ... check Facebook while at dinner ... jump on Instagram while in a meeting ... write my blog while visiting with family or friends? I will be a loving witness to my habits, actions and feelings as I observe myself as I engage - or disengage. I will then take some time to really sit with, journal on, and ask myself this question: Am I truly present - for myself and others - in ways that honor us all?  If the answer is yes, I will congratulate myself and carry on. If not, I will take action to be more aware and present by sharing this intention with at least one other person.
 
Personal Experience:
I LOVE technology and believe in its ability to advance our forward progress – but I also recognize how much easier and more comfortable it is for me to text someone than to call them, or stop over for a visit. My technology has become an extension of me … and while I believe it is a great instant communication tool, I recognize there are times, and moments, to lay it down … put it away and connect physically with family, friends, etc. Being fully present in the moment is challenging for me … because I am used to external stimuli and my mind is addicted to the constant movement. When I am waiting in line, I am checking email. When I am out with friends waiting for dinner to be served, I am checking my Facebook page … seeing what my friends are doing, or my family. While the instant communication I believe is of great value … so is the present moment – right here in front of me! I see how I miss out on living in my own life by witnessing others living theirs instead; and it is important to me to change this, as I have seen my own personal relationships suffer because if it.
 
Journal Questions:
What keeps me from connecting in-person?  Fear and anxiety meeting new people.  fear of not being liked.

Why do I distract myself while in the company of others with checking my Instagram/Facebook page?  Before this detox, I had already decided to stay off my phone when in the presence of other people.  Mostly because I have had it done to me and it seems so rude.

Have I become too dependent on texting rather than calling?  My husband only uses texts.  I wish he would just call me.  It would be so much faster and clearer to just tell me what he wants.

How has technology hurt my personal relationships?  I think it has helped me avoid person to person contact.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

05/10/16


Yesterday after work, I rode my exercise bike for 15 minutes.  HUGE accomplishment for me.  Now I need to keep going... Deep down I know that this is the best thing for me.


And another day of sunnydawnjohston.com detox your life:

I Let Go Of:
Fear of failure – Allowing fear to hold me back in many areas of my life.
 
Pivot:
I am stronger than my greatest fears. Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the unhealthy, although familiar, patterns we have created. It is simply an obstacle we have created in our own minds. When we fight our fears, they chase us our entire lives. When we face our fears, we are free our entire lives. The choice is ours.
 
Affirmation:
False Evidence Appearing Real: “Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the patterns which we have created.”
 
Action:
Today, I choose to face one of my fears, big or small. I will no longer give it the power over me. I will share with someone the fear I am facing and what step I am willing to take in order to take my power back from the fear that I have so freely given to. I will take action today and let go of the False Evidence Appearing Real … I will create a new reality TODAY and will replace that fear with FAITH!
 
Personal Experience:
I am afraid that I am truly just not worthy of love. I have a fear that says I am not good enough. I have created stories within myself to confirm that I have no value and/or worth. That I do not deserve love or success!! I have looked for experiences with other people, within my work environment, within my intimate relationships, within my family … to validate this truth for me. A truth that I have created within my own mind. I look for any experience that I can manipulate into seeing from my lack mentality, so I can create the evidence that says… “See I am right - I am not loveable, I am not worthy, no one cares, so why should I?” Today I am re-writing my story ­– and it is one of success!! I am willing to face these fears that tug at me and allow myself to achieve all of who I am meant to be.
 
Journal Questions:
What stories are playing out in your head to support your fears? I spent 18 years listening to mother tell me I was stupid, useless, fat, and would probably spend my life in a mental hospital.  For the record I was not fat and I wasn't stupid.  And I surely wasn't insane. I was just an average kid.  There was really nothing wrong with me.  I feel like crying for that little girl that was verbally pushed down, stomped on and learned to fear the world.  Now as I am older I can see where these are things she felt about herself not me.  But all those years of her "conditioning" just don't go away because I want them too.  I fight to rise above this in some way every day.  There are just so many hurdles in every day.  
Are you creating scenarios that come from a place of lack, pain and judgement so you can be right? I probably do this.
Has your fear taken away your power? Many times.  Especially in dealing with other people.
What can you do to release those fears?  Keep telling myself that I can do anything.

Monday, May 9, 2016

5/9/16 Tribal Rooster back from the framers.


My tribal rooster is back from the framers and already on the way to the recipient.  The pale yellow is possible to pale but it is what it is.


Another day of sunnydawnjohnston.com detox:

I Let Go Of:         Resistance to exercise and moving my body.  Well I don't know how to make this happen.  I really hate exercise.  I know it is because of my weight and the pain that is everywhere in my body.  I also know deep down that moving is the only way to get healthy.
 
Pivot:
Movement keeps me healthy and strong and I enjoy moving my body. When I move my body in loving ways, it responds back to me in loving ways as well.
 
Affirmation:
“I move my body in ways that feel good to me. I no longer use the excuse that I can’t … or compare myself to someone else - or myself of 10 years ago!”
 
Action:
Today, I will do something to bring in movement. I can even try something new if I want to, like yoga, walking, stretching, running, or lifting weights.  I do have a tia chi (spelling?) video downloaded that I should do every morning,  I will walk at lunch today.
 
Personal Experience:
As I get older, I am realizing how important it is to move my body to maintain flexibility and strength. My muscles were built to move and stretch … and when I get wrapped up in life and my To Dos, then the first thing to go out the window is my own self-care in the form of exercise. Plus, sometimes, I’d rather stay working than get up and go work out … or I’m too tired to drive to the gym.  So I really have to make a conscious effort to get up periodically during the day and move my body … and stay committed to an exercise regimen where I work out at least 3 times a week. I know I feel better when I have some movement in my body.  this could not be more true.  Especially after having hip surgery, I know that moving is so important.
 
Journal Questions:
What stops me from exercising consistently?  My brain and pain.  I think I may be lazy.  But I also know how much arthritis pain I have in my body.
What am I afraid of, if anything, in regard to physical movement?  Sweating.  I really don't like to sweat. Falling.  Pain
What does exercise mean to me? A Road to healthy me
What forms of movement could I enjoy? I do like walking in a pool.  Rarely have a pool that I have access to.  I use to like riding a bike.  Now the seats hurt too much.  But there is always walking.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Sunday 5/8/16

Free download from Stitch Me Gifts:
https://stitchme.gifts/product/butterfly-blackwork-cross-stitch-pattern

Day 3 from SunnyDaawnJohnston.com:

I Let Go Of:  Being trapped in my head, and having my mind never shut off. Dr. Richard Carlson calls this snowball thinking.  I have a serious problem with that.
 Pivot:    It is safe and healthy for me to be quiet within. My constant mind chatter has served me well in the past; however, I am in a different place now. I am aware how this chatter has kept me distracted from what I truly wish to accomplish at any given time. My mind assists me in manifesting my dreams and desires. I put my attention on my intention to serve the highest good.
Affirmation:  “I choose to focus on peace, calm and harmony.”
 Action:    Today, I will take twenty minutes to meditate, pray or visualize. I can trust that even if it feels like my mind is louder and louder, it truly is benefiting me to go within.
 Personal Experience:   I have a hard time meditating. I can pay attention to my breath … and then wonder if my package will be delivered today. I can feel the bubble of energy moving up through my feet … and question whether I turned the heat down before I left. I can sink into the stillness within … and remember that it’s time to get the dogs bathed this week. Welcome to the chatter in my mind. But what I do know is that it’s better than nothing. I do know that when I give myself space to stop analyzing, and thinking, and planning and figuring it all out – well then I just might actually get a spark that my brain never came up with in all of its warp speed, hyper-drive activity. And I do know that it doesn’t have to be meditation in a dark room, chanting Om. For me it can be journaling to empty my brain onto paper to get to the clarity beneath. It can be pulling weeds in the garden, cutting the grass, walking the dogs or singing in the shower. It’s all a part of creating the SPACE to let the Busy Bee Brain go away and the Divine Inspiration to drift in. It’s in those moments of insight that I see that taking the time to get quiet is all worth it!
 Journal Questions:  In what ways do you allow your “active brain” to shut off and your “inspired brain” to kick in?   Sometimes when I am at work trying to find a solution.
Take some time to recall an occasion where a solution or an unexpected opportunity came to you when you did NOT try so hard to figure it out, but instead focused on the desired result and allowed the path to appear.  When I would go to seminars most of my notes were on solutions or ideas that popped into my as the speakers were going over ways to use the software.
How could you incorporate meditation into your daily life?   I could use my reading time on the subway.  I could close my eyes when my husband is watching tv and use that time.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Saturday 5/7/16

Today we did a lot of running around to stores and stuff.  Grocery shopping, picking up moving boxes, household shopping, etc.  My husband was a bear this morning.  I kept trying to tell myself not to "absorb" his negative energy.  It was so difficult.  At one point I thought I would cry.  Again he is not a bad guy.  His PTSD i just so high.  He just can't handle stress anymore.  I am hoping the move to Wisconsin will get him calm.  He won't have to go to his crappy job anymore and the horrible commute.  Now if I can just not eat my way through his stress.  
Here is day 2 of SunnyDawnJohnston.com
I Let Go Of:     Being an emotional eater – Stuffing emotions with food. 
 Pivot:   In the past, when I would feel emotions that were uncomfortable for me, I would eat. I now know that I was pushing those emotions down, in order to not feel them.
 Affirmation:  “It is safe for me to feel.”
 Action:    Today, I will take the time to tune into my feelings. I will take ½ hour to journal about how I feel..
 Personal Experience:  This is a constant issue for me. Growing up, I learned to not express my emotions and to stuff them down with food. Food became my friend … and a way to soothe myself when I was hurting. It was much easier to eat a bowl of ice cream then it was to feel the pain I was feeling inside. Food soothes … emotions are painful. That has been my belief system. I realize that it is a moment-by-moment conscious choice to allow my feelings to surface rather than smooth them over or push them down with food. I have also found that being present in my feelings is important, because oftentimes I eat from a place of automatic reaction and I am totally unaware of my feelings. When I am eating, I choose to really practice presence and tune into what is going on in me and around me – am I eating because I am hungry, or am I eating because I don’t want to feel? I realize that just because I learned these behaviors as a child, they do not have power over me. I can simply make a new choice. It doesn’t feel simple … or even like a choice sometimes; but it is.
Journal Questions:
Is food your friend?  It has pretended to be my friend but in reality it is my enemy.
Has food been your safe place, or the one thing you could control?   I never felt that I have had any control but somehow it was a safe place.  And I do just love junk food.  Like a drug.
Are you afraid to feel your emotions … like you will drown in them, or get stuck there?  I think I am terrified of my emotions.  My mother is not mentally healthy and the fear of becoming her is strong.
What were you taught about expressing your emotions?  This was not allowed as a child. For a long time I didn't even talk much.  It was just safer to be quiet. It seemed like every time I opened my mouth I made her mad.
What makes you fear or dislike feeling emotions? Fear of losing control.  Losing control of my temper.  Fear of crying and not being able to start.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Thursday, May 5th 2016

A new day to try again!

OA For Today: A flower takes a season to grow, a tree long years to mature. Each growing thing, myself included, has a timetable for growth.

I think my personal growth may be stunted. I know what to do and what not to do with food but I just can't get going.

I am starting the Sunny Dawn Johnston 44 day detox again.  My sister wants me to do it with her so I will try again.  Here is the website if you want to check it out:

Go to sunnydawnjohnston.com/44daydetox and join us now. You will pick up right where we are.

Today - I let go of feeling everyone's stuff.  I will maintain my own energy consistently.

I have always been sensitive.  I feel the negativity of those close to me. I get overwhelmed by it. Sometimes I get angry by it.  Mostly, I just get depressed by it.  Then I stuff those emotions down with food.  My husband is so unhappy in his job. He is so negative.  His blood pressure is so high.  It really drags me down.  Then I have my bigot co-worker that can't say anything nice about anyone or any group of people.  I can feel myself deflating when they have a tirade.

However: Today: I know I am a strong, capable person.  I can maintain my own energy and not absorb everyone else's.  I will just witness other people.

So now...How do I maintain my own energy?  That is a hard question.  I don't think I can do this.  My Overeaters Anonymous knowledge is prevailing here.  I cannot so this without God.  So to maintain my own energy I need to pray for assistance all day long.  I have never been a good prayer so that is something to work on today.

Peace, Love and Hope..........

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Happy Star Wars Day

Happy Star Wars Day - May the 4th be with you.

My control with eating is not doing so great. Again!  I was doing pretty good with WW but I felt that just eating the frozen meals wasn't that healthy even though it kept me low in calories.  I was doing so much better at weight loss back then.  So today I had a WW frozen meal for breakfast and lunch. When I go to the grocery store this weekend I will pick up some more.  I need to get back on track.  I think I am starting to gain some weight back.  NOT GOOD!

I stopped and picked up my "ice crystals" from Michael's framers.  Forgot to take a picture of it.  Will try to remember tonight when I get home.

Nothing real exciting going on in my life right now.  We are just in limbo with the move.  Just a waiting game until we get closer to the move date.

Peace and Love,

Monday, May 2, 2016

May 2nd 2016 Monday

Here we go again.  Another Monday another "let's start again" day.

My husband was gone for 2 weeks and I was going to be so careful with my eating while he was gone and I didn't do well at all.  So I am starting over again today.  The weekend wasn't too bad.  He came home on Saturday afternoon and I had very healthy meals planned for the weekend.  So now I need to keep this going.

I was filling him in on the marriages of my 2 sisters that will probably be ending in the next year and a half.  One sister has no money because her husband hasn't worked in about 20 years and the other sister's husband is in total control of their household money.  Then I was telling him about my friend who is 78 years old and divorced her husband after a suspicious accident she had.  She fell down the steps and got hurt bad.  Personally, I believe he pushed her since she filed for divorce when she was well.  Anyway she is destitute.  She gets $710.00 from social security and her husband has basically bankrupted them so she will get nothing from the divorce.  He was always in control of the money and had no idea that they were neck deep in debt.  So anyway...I was telling him this and yesterday he says to me: we need to talk.  He says to me are you worried that I am going to divorce you and leave you penniless.  I told him no that I felt that if he wanted a divorce he would be fair.  He is that kind of man.  (as long as I hadn't cheated on him).  I told him that wasn't on my mind it was just so weird that I have 3 people in my life that are finding themselves facing poverty.  It meant a lot to me that he was being reassuring.  I mean he did not marry this hugely fat person.  60 pounds of this weight came on after we got married.  I am probably not putting this it into words very well but he was so loving and caring about my feelings.  He is a retired Marine and he has "tough guy" outer shell that doesn't crack very often.  So when he softens it just warms my heart.  Enough babbling about my wonderful husband.

One dish I made this weekend was cauliflower potato salad.  You make potato salad and substitute out the potatoes with cooked cauliflower.  Now we both like cauliflower and potato salad but it just didn't seem right.  I don't think I will make it again.  It wasn't bad just not super delicious.  The other dish I made was roasted vegetables with polska kielbasa.  I cut up the meat and laid it in the bottom of the roaster and then cut up a sweet potato, a couple small yellow potatoes and a vidalia onion. Then some carrots, parsnips, zucchini and yellow squash.  Cooked it at 400 degrees for about an hour. That he loved.  I got a new knife and it cut veggies really well.  Like cutting butter.  So sharp. While I was cleaning it, I sliced my finger.  There was no stitching this weekend.  It bled through the band-aid a couple times so I was afraid of getting blood on my project.  It looks to be healing up nicely now.

I read another book.  The Vow of Silence by Susan Hill.  Pretty good.  After I read it I realized it was the 4th in a series so now I will have to find the others.  Because I do love a series.

I did do some bible study this weekend.  I am reading Imitate Their Faith.  So far it has been about Abel, Noah and now I am on Abraham.

OA Voices of Recovery: What do we say when we talk with God? We say whatever we feel like saying.  I need no formal ritual, no structured prayer to talk to my God today.  I need only believe that God is with me, and God is here.  I talk to God today as I do to my best friend.  I seek guidance, ask for strength, and most of all, I say " Thank You".

Thank you.............

Thursday, April 21, 2016

4/21/16 TGIT

TGIT doesn't mean Thank God It's Thursday.  I have a page-a-day calendar on my desk at work.  It is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Dr. Richard Carlson.

Today it says: Members of the Thank God It's Friday (TGIF) club focus primarily on the weekend.  But the Thank God It's Today (TGIT) club are happy seven days a week because they understand that every day is unique, and each brings with it different gifts.

What a great thought.  It goes along with this sentence that I read last night in Spontaneous Happiness by Dr. Andrew Weil:  Emotional well being must come from within, because reaching external goals often disappoints.

Thank God it is Today.  I am grateful that I get to walk another day on earth.  I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life, my job, my home.  I am grateful that I have enough to eat, so there is no reason to feel deprived and overeat.

Even OA For Today was inspirational: One day at a time, I can continue to surrender my lack of control to God and receive in return the freedom to enjoy all the good things of life, in moderation.
For Today: I readily admit I have no self-control when it  comes to eating.  God can and does, however, do for me what I cannot do for myself.

*****
On the stitching side of life...I took my ice crystals to Michael's to get framed.  Even with 65% off it was $100.00.  I am almost done with my tribal rooster for my friend and then that may be the last thing I have framed.  It is just too expensive.  I will have to invest time in watching videos online and learn how to do my own framing.

Have a happy day.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Wed 4/20/16

My husband is on day 3 of his 2 week work trip.  I am always thinking I will get so much done when he is gone but I really don't.  I just seem to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet.  By the end of the two weeks I will be wishing he would come home.

Last night I finally painted on the mat for my ice crystals project.  I am taking it to Michael's tonight after work to get it framed.  I was going to spray shellac a metal sign that was made for us too.  But I couldn't find the can of shellac.  My husband must have moved it or packed it.  The sign is done in a chalk paint and it will rub off so I want to shellac it to preserve it.  One more place to search tonight before I give up and pack the sign up as it is..

I have some packing to do this week also.  I really need to get that done.  I want to go to the National Zoo on Saturday and I can't do that if I haven't finished packing up my book shelves and craft containers.

I finished another book today.  Very fast read.  Prisoner in the Kitchen by William Bonham.  It is his experiences as a kitchen supervisor in a prison in Montana.

OA for Today: There is no greater triumph than feeling good about myself.

On the OA call this morning, one woman shared this thought: The number on the scale does not define me.   I really like that.  There was a lot of shares on gratitude too.  Made me realize that I have an immense amount of things to be grateful for in my life.


I hope you have peace and love in your day today.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Monday 4/18/16 Tax Day

It is tax day.  I finally did ours about a month ago.  I put it off for two reasons.  First, I hate doing them. And secondly, we always have to pay in a HUGE sum of money.  We don't own our own home and we have no children so we have no deductions.  Then we both work.  We have extra taken out of our paychecks for federal taxes but it is still not near enough.  Sometime I feel like we like we are personally paying off the national debt.

I hardly slept last night.  I sometimes dread coming to work with M (the bigot).  Last week she said something so offensive to me that it bothered me all weekend.  I forgot she wasn't working today so I fretted last night for no reason.  Should be a lesson learned in there for me.  Worry doesn't solve anything.  My husband left this morning for two weeks.  I may just be in bed as soon as I get home tonight.

I finished another book.  It was When Crickets Cry by Charles Martin.  I love when a book makes me laugh out loud.  This one actually brought me to tears a couple times.  Only one other book has ever made me cry.  It was called the Alphabet Sisters.  I normally don't recommend books since everyone's tastes are so different but this was a very good read.

I worked quite a bit on my tribal rooster this weekend.  I'm not sure if I will get back to it much this week.  I have some packing to do and I bought some paint to work on getting the mat for my last piece ready for framing.  Here is my rooster.


Peace and Love

Thursday, April 14, 2016

4/14/16 Thursday

Yesterday morning when we got to our subway stop (on the way to work) the exit we go out was all blocked off.  So we had to walk to the other end of the metro station.  When we got above ground.  I had absolutely no idea which direction to go to get to work. Nothing looked familiar.  I would have gone in the one direction but my husband was sure we needed to go in the opposite direction.  It is a good thing he was with me. We were about 2 1/2 blocks away from our normal exit. When we get into DC it is still very dark outside.  I was so turned around.  Without him I can't imagine where I would have ended up and how long it would have taken me to get to work.

Also yesterday at work, I was carrying a large box of supplies to put away in the storage/break room and I tripped over the stool.  Oh My Gosh, as I was starting to fall, the panic in my head was amazing.  Because of my new hip, falling is really not recommended (LOL).  I didn't fall, I twisted myself enough to catch myself.  I hurt this morning.  My one leg and foot hurt from getting tangled in the stool.  My new hip leg hurts above the hip like I twisted the muscle.  I truly hope it is just muscle pain.  I think I am the most uncoordinated person I know.

My husband had late meetings at work and since we car pool together, I had to wait in the car for almost 2 hours.   That and the subway commute allowed me to read To Have and To Kill by Mary Jane Clark.   It was a very fast read.  This was book 1 in her Wedding Cake series.

I did stitch a little bit last night too.  Living in apartment, there really isn't a whole lot to do.

My husband is leaving Monday morning for 2 weeks.  He has training at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Camp.  He is looking forward to it.  I love him dearly but I too am looking forward to some time alone.  I plan to pack some of my stuff that I am not using to get ready for the move.  I also want to spend one day of the weekend that he will be gone at the National Zoo.

Have a wonderful day.

Daily Scripture: God made you alive.—Eph. 2:1.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Wed 4/13/16

I just finished reading Still Life with Bread Crumbs by Anna Quindlen.  It was a pretty fast read.  I enjoyed it.  I have been reading a lot lately.  I think it is a means of detaching from the world.  Sometimes it is just nice to escape into a book.  I have read 23 books so far this year.  Not sure if that is a large number or normal.  It amazed me.

We are getting closer to our move date.  5 more months.  I have started a list of things to do and when they are due by.  The feeling of having so much to not forget was getting overwhelming.  We still haven't told our employers yet.  I am going to break the news to my boss on Friday morning.  This is the best job I have ever had but I am ready to move "back home" to Wisconsin.

I haven't been stitching very much.  Here is my tribal rooster.  I am farther than this picture shows but I forgot to take a new picture.  This is for a friend of mine I hope she likes it.

I was watching a Minnesota Public TV show clip online about my hometown in WI.  They interviewed lots of people and businesses.  The woman who use to do my framing has a new shop that I didn't know about so I am excited about that.  I was fretting a bit about how I would get my stuffed framed when we move.   Many of the interviews were with my past co-workers and even my old boss.  It made me homesick and I felt tears building a little bit.

My eating isn't out of control right now but I know I have not been making very good choices.  I eat a small salad at lunch and a bag of potato chips. (not a full size bag)  I have a potato chip problem.  It is an addiction.


Friday, April 1, 2016

Friday, 4/1/16

I had an email this morning from GNC.  Advertising doughnuts that are fat burning.  So I click on it to see what the calorie count is and how much sugar there is and it pops up April Fool's.  To good to be true.  LOL

I did not have any thoughts of anger and resentment yesterday but I did have the bad dreams of my ex hunting me down and vandalizing my life.  I need that to stop!

OA For Today: Today I value the good opinion of my fellow humans but, good or bad, what others think cannot diminish the good feelings I have about myself.

OA Voices of Recovery:  Step Four: Make a fearless and searching inventory of ourselves.

It is month end at work and I have a ton of stuff to do.

Thank  you God for all my blessings.

Happy thoughts today.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Thursday 3/31/16

Yesterday's OA For Today reading was about anger. It ended with For Today: Sanity is not how well I can hide my anger; it is having no need to react to people, places and things by becoming angry.

I spent a good amount of time thinking about that yesterday.  In the beginning of 2007 I was in the process of a divorce and it was nasty.  I was married to a man that refused to work.  He had been unemployed for over 10 years.  We had been married 25 years.  And all of a sudden the man that owned the bank I worked at sold it to a large bank conglomerate.  So after 28 years of dedicated service, being on call 24/7, I was jobless.  He made millions from the sale and I got a very small bonus.  Which I had to give to my ex-husband because of the marital property laws in Wisconsin that say the party being divorced has the right to be kept in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.  So after the house I had paid for had been sold (I had to give that money to my ex too) I moved 1000 miles away.  Oh boy was there anger.  I have never been a skinny person but I had this freedom and all this anger and I ATE.  I put on 60 more pounds.  The anger and resentment lasted for years.    I'm not as angry anymore but I am still scared of my ex.  I still do have resentment too.  I just can't seem to let it go.  I NEED to let that go.  I feel like I am a good person and to get stabbed by "the system" and the men in my life (at the time) really sent me into a deep resentment.  I look back on 2008 and can see now how I was stuffing my face like a crazy person.  All that has done is damage my body.

I have to find happiness.  I must let go of this resentment.  I still have bad dreams about my ex.  They went down a bit for a while but now that we are moving back to Wisconsin, in the fall, the dreams have started again.  I really believe given the opportunity my ex would run me over with his car. Scares the heck out of me.  So many emotions to let go of.  Today's For Today: I turn my life over to my Higher Power and in return I receive the full use of my God-given potential.

How true is that.  I have a good life.  A good husband.  A great job.  I am a good person. I do not need this anger and resentment.

In today's OA's Voices of Recovery:Are we afraid to express ourselves, to tell others how we feel?  I have an emotional and physical disease with a spiritual solution.  Hiding my feelings from myself and others is certainly one of the roots of my illness.  Each time I pick up my pen to write (or type), I move myself along the path of freedom, awareness, acceptance love and recovery.

As I was pondering all this today, I realized that I have anger and resentment for a really long time.  My mother was abusive and living with her was horrible.  Not as bad as some children have it.  She was verbally abusive.  By the time I had turned 18 and moved out on my own I had no self esteem. She told me I was ugly, stupid and would amount to nothing for nearly all those 18 years.  So I can see now why I have always had eating issues.  Discussing my feelings would have NEVER been a good thing to do as a kid.  That would have been fuel to her fire.  I have not learned how to properly express my feelings.  The fear of being attacked for who I am is a huge fear.

I have so many thoughts running through my head today.  It is going to be hard to concentrate on work.

I am off to think happy thoughts.........

Monday, March 28, 2016

Cherry Blossoms in DC

Saturday (3/26/16) was cold here but the sun was shining so we went down to the Tidal Basin in DC and I took some pictures.  I wanted to get pictures before we move away since I don't plan on coming back here.



Jefferson Memorial

In the background the 3 prongs coming up is the Air Force Memorial.  To the right of it is the Pentagon but you can't see it.






Washington Monument




I am having a crabby day so all I am going to do is post the beauty of the Cherry Blossoms.


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Wed 3/23/16

I have a couple things weighing on my mind today.  First one, is I am so worried about my sister.  she is an incredible person.  She is married to an alcoholic who is verbally mean.   I want so much to help her but I have to remember I am just here to support her in anyway she needs.

My second issue is my co-worker, M the bigot.  There are only 4 people in our office.  This week it is just me and her.  I hate confrontation so I just listen to her and don't argue with her.  Monday and Tuesday she spent a couple hours putting down our boss.  He reprimands her all the time.  She doesn't understand why.  She thinks he is losing his mind.  I think she is trying to instigate me against him.  I think she has done that with a few of our members.  I wish I had the backbone to confront her.  I want to tell her, "If you would shut up when he talks, instead of trying to talk over him, maybe you would hear what he says.  Instead of trying to convince me that he never said anything."  She babbles incessantly.  I need to tell her this but I just don't see it happening.  I don't have what it takes to tell her she is wrong.  She isn't my employee.. And to alienate a fellow employee when there are only 4 of us here doesn't seem like a wise move.  Hopefully today if she starts to bad mouth him again, I will be able to at least say that I don't want to hear it anymore.  Also, how to I criticize a person when I have so many faults of my own.  Please God, direct me in the proper response...

My eating isn't going so good right now.  I am not totally out of control, just not making good choices.  I have a headache today.

Tonight is the Memorial of Christ's death.  I am looking forward to going tonight and acknowledging Jesus' sacrifice.

Please God, direct me today.....

News on my stitching... I am still slowly plugging away on my 2nd tribal rooster.  But I got my Save the Stitches back from the artist in Israel.  She made the mat to go in the frame.  Her facebook name is Passifloral.

The picture makes the cloth look like it is white but it is actually a pale blue.  When I get it back I am going to try to take another picture of it that shows the cloth better.


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Tuesday 3/22/16

I haven't been sleeping again.  I still can't lay on my left side because my incision still hurts.  It doesn't hurt all the time just when I try to lay on that side.  I think that is normal being they cut my leg all the way to the bone.  But I just have a hard time sleeping on my other side or my back.  I took a sleep aid last night to help me sleep and this morning I feel like I have a hangover.  Thankfully I have no bosses at work this week so I can sit quietly and not have to talk.

I opened my work email this morning and had a long email from my sister.  Quite a shocker.  She is so unhappy in her marriage and she wants out.  She has so many decisions to make and she wouldn't do this until her last child is out of the house.  Which is about 2 years.  I want so bad to put my arms around her and comfort her.  We live about 1300 miles apart.  This fall when we move back to the Midwest I will only be a 5 hour drive from her and I hope to spend more time with her  I love her so much and I hate that she is in emotional pain.  She is like me and full of physical pain too.  We have arthritis everywhere.  She needs another hip replacement too.

OA Voices of Recovery:  Getting out of my own way gives me the freedom to rise to the highest level of which I am capable.  This is God's plan for me: To be free of fear; To march after every single dream; To recognize where my passion is; To let my passion loose; To be strong of mind, body and spirit; To grasp for all the the good things that could be mine; To love unreservedly; To keep the real priorities in front of me; To experience joy without limits. 

I am praying for a peaceful day today.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Monday 3/21/16

Start of a new week.  We had a good weekend.  On Saturday we spent some time packing.  We are still 5 months out form actually moving.  But it helps my husband's PTSD if he can move on something.  We didn't do that much but it was a lot of work so I guess I am glad we are starting early. We won't have to work so hard when it comes down to the end and really having to pack everything up.

Sunday we didn't do anything.  Just had a nice relaxing day.  I am reading a book by Anne Hillerman.  I did stitch a tiny bit too.  Still working on the tribal rooster.  We did pretty good on food too.  Although we did have dessert both nights.

OA For Today: There is time in my day to stop and take notice of what is around me:  the air, a fragrance, a sound.  For one minute I can forget what I have to do and let myself feel the moment with all the intensity of my being.  What a good thought.  Do I really appreciate all that surrounds me?  I should.  My life is better than a whole lot of other people.

OA Voices of Recovery: Life is to be savored.  Such good thoughts.

Thank you God,  for my life.  I will work to do your will.

Love & Peace.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Friday 3/18/16

Thank God it's Friday.  I am all caught up at work so I really don't have much to do today at work.  That makes a really long day when you are bored,

I have a page a day calendar with "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" quotes on it.  Today it says: Everyone is human and deserves to be forgiven.  Especially you!   What a nice thought.  I don't think I am carrying any grudges or resentments toward anyone except of course my ex-husband.  Not ready to forgive him yet for all the horrible things he did to me.  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him.  I need to let go of it though.  It isn't healthy to hate someone so much.  Or to fear someone so much.

OA For Today: I do what is possible for me to do and let God handle the rest.  I need no proof of God's existence to say Thank You for my abstinence and my freedom from compulsive overeating.

I stitched a bit last night.  I also finished a book and started a new one.  I love to read.  As a kid I think I read to escape the abuse of my mother.  When you lose yourself in a story you can forget the world around you for awhile.

Love and peace.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Thursday 3/17/16

Today OA is having a marathon.  This means that there is a phone meeting every hour.  Phone number is 712-432-5200.  PIN number is 4285115#

Today in OA's Voices of Recovery: I was my compulsive overeating.  I had lost my identity and all direction in my life.  The insanity of trying to fill the emotional & spiritual void with food consumed me.  I lost my health and my spiritual and emotional welling being and what little self esteem I had to this disease.

This was an eye opener for me.  In 2007, I lost my job of 28 years because of the sale of our bank.  I was in the process of an ugly divorce so I had to sell my house.  I had to get away from my scary ex-husband so I moved 1000 miles away from my home.  I didn't realize it at the time but I lost my identity along with my job and my home and because of the divorce I lost my pension too.  I now look back at 2007 and the next few following years and see how I was eating non-stop.  I gained 70 pounds.  I am still struggling, every day.  But I am not having food binges like I did back then.  I still have a very long road to recovery and it has been very slow.  I slip backwards often.

Today, I will commit to being abstinent.

On another subject.... here is my latest cross stitch project.  It is the second time I am doing this pattern, tribal rooster.  This one is on marbled sage aida and I am using DMC 51.  It is for another chicken loving friend.
Peace, love and happiness...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Thursday 3/10/16

It was 82 degrees outside yesterday.  Should be that warm again today.  It went from 30 degrees to 82 in one day.  Just too warm too fast.  But it was beautiful out and I can hear the birds singing now in the morning.

I am thankful that I am here and healthy enough to enjoy the warm weather.

For Today: Acting with courtesy toward myself and others contributes much toward feeling good about myself, and enables me to share it with others.  For the most part of my life I think I am courteous.  I will be conscious of it today.

I finished reading Criminal Intent by Sheldon Siegel.  I enjoyed it.  I am now reading his second book, Incriminating Evidence.

I hope to stay abstinent today.

Voices of Recovery: Turning my life and my will over to God, as I understand God, means I cease demanding perfection of myself and others, of life.

Have a stress free and peaceful day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

3/9/16

I am feeling lots of arthritis pain in my hands and my feet this week.  Not sure what is bringing this on.  I am working on cutting bread out of my diet.  I think that is part of the problem.  I have been walking with out my cane the last few days.  Because my "new hip" leg is slightly longer that my old leg, I walk with a weird gait.  It is pulling on my incision but I think that may be a good thing.  I have been walking over to CVS at lunch time to get a small salad they sell.  It only has 240 calories.  Now if I could rein in the snacking I would be doing good.

Today's OA "For Today" asks, Have I been careless with my program?  My answer is, Yes, I have.
OA For Today:I am ready to change--to be rid of the faults that are hampering my recovery.

OA Voices of Recovery: Abstinence, to me, is very simple.  It is refraining from compulsive overeating and continuing to work my program.  It is eating balanced meals.

Today I am hoping to stay in tune and present.

Love & Peace

Monday, March 7, 2016

3/7/16 Monday

Monday - a new beginning.  Monday's always feel like a new beginning to me.  The start of a new work week.  Hoping to stay on track this week with my food plan.  My boss will be gone most of this week so I will be alone in the mornings and can participate in the OA phone meeting instead of just listening in.  Also, my co-worker (M, the bigot) is out this week too.  So I will have peace and quiet. We sit in cubes so no privacy and she talks a lot, sometimes to herself, she just sits over there and babbles away.

On one of my blog pages, I am keeping track of what I have read this year so far.  I have read 10 books.  I don't know if that is normal, more or less that normal but I feel like a reading machine!!

I haven't been stitching all that much.  I have been working a little bit on a new tribal rooster.  I should get a picture of it to see what you think of the colors.

I really have a boring life.  I'm not complaining because boring is less stressful.  I use to be quite entertaining, now I think I am dull.  The only exciting thing in my life is our move back to WI and it is hanging in limbo right now.  It is too early to do lots of things.  I am ordering some items that we won't unpack, we will just take them with us.  Right now we both work and have incomes but come the end of August we won't have jobs so there will be no buying of anything that isn't necessary to life.

I have been watching the airlines for a good price and Sun Country had a good sale so we are planning a quick trip to WI in May to check on the house that should be half built by then.

My husband is totally stressing about the move.  I am trying not to over-think it.  If I dwell on it I will make myself crazy like he is doing to himself.  We have a timeline and I think we should just cross each bridge as we get to it.  The only thing I am obsessed about is my disgusting and perverted ex-husband.  I am so worried that he will find out I am moving back and will start stalking me again. We are moving to a town that he has no ties too.  I hope that helps keep him away.

Peace and Love

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Thursday 3/3/16

This is my 2nd week back to work and all is going well.  The last 2 days have been not raining so I have gone outside at lunch time and walked around the block.  Granted I am basically going out to buy a salad for lunch but I feel good that I have walked that little bit.  I am not an exercise person so this is very positive for me.

I noticed this week that my joints hurt a lot more than they have in the 6 weeks I was at home.  I am thinking it might be do to my diet.  Being back at work I started eating a sandwich every day for lunch.  I think I might have a slight gluten allergy.  So I have stopped eating sandwiches.  This weekend I am going to look for some gluten free bread.  A sandwich is just an easy lunch.  If my honey and I go anywhere this weekend I think I will keep an eye out for a bookstore.  I would like to get a cookbook on "clean eating".  I need recipes, I'm just not menu creative.

I haven't been stitching very much.  I pulled out my "mason jar lineup" at the beginning of February. While I love the finished picture, I am hating stitching it.  I am on the back stitching of the white flowers on white aida.  I am hoping the next jar and flowers won't be so bad.  Mostly I have been stitching on another tribal rooster to avoid the mason jars.

The reading from OA's For Today was very good.  Here are some snippets: It is when we try to make our will conform to God's that we begin to use it rightly.  Seeking to conform my will with God's is what restores me to sanity.  It gives me abstinence, peace of mind, and freedom from obsession.  For Today: To know what God would have me do is my first priority, for that knowledge smooths my path and frees me to live with energy and love.
I enjoyed reading that today.


Tuesday, March 1, 2016

3/1/16 New month

Some days I am just too tired to think.  I am still not sleeping well.  So today I just wanted to get my latest finish posted.  This is my tribal rooster.  I am doing another one in a different variegated thread for another friend.  This was done in a rainbow thread.



Have a good day.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Leap Year 2/29/16

I remember when leap year was a big deal.  Now - not so much.  I have given up on the Sunny Dawn Johnson detox program.  I got so far behind being so violently ill a week ago.  It is a good program but when something becomes a pressure to me, it turns into an anxiety for me.  I am trying to get back into my OA routine.  That is what is helping me now.  I will try the detox again at another time.

It was a good weekend.  My husband and I went out and did some shopping.  We went to the hardware store to look at moulding and doors and things for when we build our little tiny house.  Since we are 1000 miles away from where it is going to be built we are having a bit of stress knowing we can't be there to choose items and see it.  It was my first time since surgery getting in and out of the car on the passenger side.  So I have some skin pain.  Getting in and out on that side of the car really stretched my incision site.  Which in the long run I think was a good thing.  Showed me that I am not getting enough exercise.

My weight lose isn't going great but I am still down 30 lbs since December 2014.  Now that I have released myself from the detox program I feel better.  I need to lower my sugar intake again.  Before surgery I was doing the Take Shape For Life diet program.  The food is disgusting unless it is the cookies and bars.  I don't think that is the right program for me.  It is like eating candy bars all day long.  I don't think that is good for my mental being.  I think I did better on Weight Watchers eating good food not all this processed junk.  While I can't afford WW right now, I did learn the tools to keep going on my own.  So I am having my WW breakfast this morning.  I will count my calories for the time being.

A tidbit of knowledge from OA For Today - Compulsive Overeating is largely a solitary pursuit.  

Have a great day!

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

2/24/16 It has been a rough few days.

I didn't give up on the detox program, I have just been violently ill.  I don't think it was the flu.  It felt like food poisoning but I ate the same things my husband did and he is fine.  (Warning: Too much information coming)  I threw up for 12 hours starting Saturday evening.  I had the most severe abdominal cramps.  I probably should have gone to the hospital but I just hate doing that.  It was so painful.  What I didn't throw up is still working it's way through my intestines and so I am still having mild cramping.  On Sunday I went to bed every couple of hours and slept for a couple of hours at a time.  I had a horrible headache too.  Every muscle in my body aches.  On Monday I was just limp.  Like I mentioned I am still having mild abdominal cramping and I am trying to drink liquids and not eat too much solid food.  Hopefully this will pass otherwise it is off to a doctor.

Here is the next detox day:

I Let Go Of:
Unhealthy social media habits – Focusing on social media, instead of being social. since I moved to the east coast, I am quite isolated.  Maybe social media is a contributing factor.  I didn't need to make friends here.  I just kept my old ones through facebook and I plan on going back to them. 
 
Pivot:
I am harmonious in my relationships. I do not hide from relationships by focusing on other people's lives. It is healthy for me to have an interest and connection with a variety of people. With the internet at my disposal, I can now have this connection all over the world. There is are healthy ways to be a part of social media, and I know when I am not in alignment with them.  True
 
Affirmation:
“I am communicative and expressive in all my relationships, both in person and online.”  I can be a very closed person.  My co-worker M - the bigot is a good example.  She tries to get me to open up to her but I really don't like the garbage she spews so I try to keep my thoughts to myself so her poison opinion doesn't get in my head.  Her bigotry knows no bounds.  It is everyone.  Yesterday it was the people that build rocket boosters for NASA are all idiots.  See what I mean..why was that even a necessary thing to spew at me.
 
Action:
Today, I will notice my behavior around social media. Do I look at my phone while having conversations ... check Facebook while at dinner ... jump on Instagram while in a meeting ... write my blog while visiting with family or friends? I will be a loving witness to my habits, actions and feelings as I observe myself as I engage - or disengage. I will then take some time to really sit with, journal on, and ask myself this question: Am I truly present - for myself and others - in ways that honor us all?  If the answer is yes, I will congratulate myself and carry on. If not, I will take action to be more aware and present by sharing this intention with at least one other person.  I think I should put my phone down in the evening.  There is really nothing critical on it.  It is mostly the desperation to be connected to the people in Wisconsin.
 
Personal Experience:
I LOVE technology and believe in its ability to advance our forward progress – but I also recognize how much easier and more comfortable it is for me to text someone than to call them, or stop over for a visit. My technology has become an extension of me … and while I believe it is a great instant communication tool, I recognize there are times, and moments, to lay it down … put it away and connect physically with family, friends, etc. Being fully present in the moment is challenging for me … because I am used to external stimuli and my mind is addicted to the constant movement. When I am waiting in line, I am checking email. When I am out with friends waiting for dinner to be served, I am checking my Facebook page … seeing what my friends are doing, or my family. While the instant communication I believe is of great value … so is the present moment – right here in front of me! I see how I miss out on living in my own life by witnessing others living theirs instead; and it is important to me to change this, as I have seen my own personal relationships suffer because if it.
 
Journal Questions:
What keeps me from connecting in-person?  The fear of opening up and having someone be critical of me.  
Why do I distract myself while in the company of others with checking my Instagram/Facebook page?  My one sister and her kids are really bad about this.  It makes me realize that when I am in the presence of humans, I need to put my phone away.
Have I become too dependent on texting rather than calling?  My husband prefers texts.  I would so much rather he just pick up the phone and tell me what he wants instead of a bunch of texts.  It would be so much quicker to just talk to me.
How has technology hurt my personal relationships?  It has kept my old ones going strong. But I think it has hindered me making any new ones.  

Saturday, February 20, 2016

2/20/16 Saturday

Yesterday was a good day food wise.  I was very busy at work. I like to be busy but not stressed busy.  I am
still catching up on 5 weeks of being gone.  I have a ton of filing but as I file I am making sure all the dues are posted to the right account, and all the invoice have been paid, etc.
This morning I was up and grocery shopping and back home before 9:30am.  Just took my sweet time too.  Since I have been home I am mostly goofing off.  I did find a job opening in a community bank in the town we will be moving to in August.  I was in banking 28 years before moving to the east coast.
Here is today's detox:
                                                  I Let Go Of:

Fear of {spiders, heights, failing, succeeding, people...} – Allowing fear to hold me back in many areas of my life. 
 Pivot:
I am stronger than my greatest fears. Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the unhealthy, although familiar, patterns we have created. It is simply an obstacle we have created in our own minds. When we fight our fears, they chase us our entire lives. When we face our fears, we are free our entire lives. Interesting concept.  But I can see a couple spots in my life where this is absolutely true. The choice is ours.
 Affirmation:
False Evidence Appearing Real: “Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the patterns which we have created.”
 Action:
Today, I choose to face one of my fears, big or small. I will no longer give it the power over me. I will share with someone the fear I am facing and what step I am willing to take in order to take my power back from the fear that I have so freely given to. I will take action today and let go of the False Evidence Appearing Real … I will create a new reality TODAY and will replace that fear with FAITH!
 Personal Experience:
I am afraid that I am truly just not worthy of love. That is a very true sentence for me.  I think growing up with a mother that called me useless, stupid, ugly may have had a lot to do with that.  I have a fear that says I am not good enough. I have created stories within myself to confirm that I have no value and/or worth. That I do not deserve love or success!! I have looked for experiences with other people, within my work environment, within my intimate relationships, within my family … to validate this truth for me. A truth that I have created within my own mind. I look for any experience that I can manipulate into seeing from my lack mentality, so I can create the evidence that says… “See I am right - I am not loveable, I am not worthy, no one cares, so why should I?” Today I am re-writing my story ­– and it is one of success!! I am willing to face these fears that tug at me and allow myself to achieve all of who I am meant to be. As I was updating my resume today, I realized that I am not a loser, I have done well.
 Journal Questions:
What stories are playing out in your head to support your fears?  More of a mantra..you can't do anything right, you are such a loser.
Are you creating scenarios that come from a place of lack, pain and judgement so you can be right?
Has your fear taken away your power?  Yes. I think that is another reason why I get paralyzed into NON action and procrastination. 
What can you do to release those fears?  Follow the Nike ads and JUST DO IT!