Saturday, May 7, 2016

Saturday 5/7/16

Today we did a lot of running around to stores and stuff.  Grocery shopping, picking up moving boxes, household shopping, etc.  My husband was a bear this morning.  I kept trying to tell myself not to "absorb" his negative energy.  It was so difficult.  At one point I thought I would cry.  Again he is not a bad guy.  His PTSD i just so high.  He just can't handle stress anymore.  I am hoping the move to Wisconsin will get him calm.  He won't have to go to his crappy job anymore and the horrible commute.  Now if I can just not eat my way through his stress.  
Here is day 2 of
I Let Go Of:     Being an emotional eater – Stuffing emotions with food. 
 Pivot:   In the past, when I would feel emotions that were uncomfortable for me, I would eat. I now know that I was pushing those emotions down, in order to not feel them.
 Affirmation:  “It is safe for me to feel.”
 Action:    Today, I will take the time to tune into my feelings. I will take ½ hour to journal about how I feel..
 Personal Experience:  This is a constant issue for me. Growing up, I learned to not express my emotions and to stuff them down with food. Food became my friend … and a way to soothe myself when I was hurting. It was much easier to eat a bowl of ice cream then it was to feel the pain I was feeling inside. Food soothes … emotions are painful. That has been my belief system. I realize that it is a moment-by-moment conscious choice to allow my feelings to surface rather than smooth them over or push them down with food. I have also found that being present in my feelings is important, because oftentimes I eat from a place of automatic reaction and I am totally unaware of my feelings. When I am eating, I choose to really practice presence and tune into what is going on in me and around me – am I eating because I am hungry, or am I eating because I don’t want to feel? I realize that just because I learned these behaviors as a child, they do not have power over me. I can simply make a new choice. It doesn’t feel simple … or even like a choice sometimes; but it is.
Journal Questions:
Is food your friend?  It has pretended to be my friend but in reality it is my enemy.
Has food been your safe place, or the one thing you could control?   I never felt that I have had any control but somehow it was a safe place.  And I do just love junk food.  Like a drug.
Are you afraid to feel your emotions … like you will drown in them, or get stuck there?  I think I am terrified of my emotions.  My mother is not mentally healthy and the fear of becoming her is strong.
What were you taught about expressing your emotions?  This was not allowed as a child. For a long time I didn't even talk much.  It was just safer to be quiet. It seemed like every time I opened my mouth I made her mad.
What makes you fear or dislike feeling emotions? Fear of losing control.  Losing control of my temper.  Fear of crying and not being able to start.

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