Thursday, December 24, 2015

12/24/15 Thursday

I didn't have to work today so I am being lazy.  I am sitting at my home desk for a little bit then when the pain in my hip builds I go hang out in the lazy boy chair.  In that chair I can stretch my leg out and ease the pain.  After surgery I have to walk 5 to 10 minutes every hour.  I also can't sit in the lazy boy after surgery.  I will be spending a lot of time at the dining room table.  Maybe I will get caught up on stuff I have been neglecting.

I left my Kindle at work.  At least that is what I hope.  Can't imagine where else it would be. Positive side is I won't read everything this weekend and then have nothing for when I am laid up.

My mother sent me a coloring book.  One of those new ones that are so popular with adults right now.  funny thing is I was thinking about getting her one of these.  She doesn't move very much any more and she really doesn't do anything.  I thought coloring would give her something to do.  She said she got it for me because she remembers how I sat and colored with my nieces when they were little.

I am looking forward to being pain free.

Well back to paying bills.

Love to all of you,

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

12/23/15 Happy Festivus

For all you Seinfeld TV show lovers - Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

I haven't been updating my blog again.  I just get bogged down in a funk so many days.  I was cutting down on my anti-depressant because I thought it might help with weight loss.  Today I am going back to a full dose.  I hope that helps.

I had my pre-op hospital visit yesterday.  So scared yet excited at the same time.  I see this as a good thing but my husband is losing his mind over this.  While he wants me  better but  he thinks even after surgery I will be an invalid.  He is driving me bonkers with his doomsday attitude.   My surgery date is January 6th.  That is just around the corner.

I have an older version of a Kindle that I bought used.  I loaded it up last week getting ready to be stuck at home for 6 weeks.  I am going to be done with them before I even go to the hospital at this rate. I have read Virals by Kathy Reich, Deep Freeze by Lisa Jackson, and am almost done with Fatal Burn by Lisa Jackson.  I am still reading The 4 Agreements but as with most self-help books, I get overwhelmed by all the things I should change about myself that I just put the book down.  With books that aren't self help I can really get lost in them.  Love to Read.  I am going to try to keep track of what I read in 2016 on a different page on my blog.  I am wondering how many books a year I do read.

I am still working on my Bucilla Sunflower.  The border on it is so very many different colors and I am constantly changing out my threads that it is taking a long time.  I would like to start a different project but I know that if I stop working on this it will go in the drawer never to be seen again.

My dieting has stalled.  I haven't been listening to OA either.  Not sure why.  I think I just get tired of thinking about food and what NOT to eat.

On a family note I was attacked on Facebook by my brother and I think it was uncalled for.  I called my one sister to talk it out and I feel so much better.  Didn't sleep at all last night  because it was so upsetting.  I am not going to make an issue of it with my brother for a couple of reasons.  1.  No good will come of it.  2.  We both think he has started drinking again and there is no talking to him when he is in that state.   I am glad I talked with her.  She is a very special person.  I wish my husband liked the area she lives in.  I would so love to be living near her.  But we are going to be building a tiny house 300 miles away from her.  That is close enough to visit her more often.   I do look forward to starting up "sister weekends" again.

Have a great day.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

12/9/15 Wed



I worked from home yesterday.  It helps to not have to ride the train back and forth to work.  That herky-jerky ride causes my hip so much pain.  But I was sitting in my desk chair and the pain was just too much so I didn't update my blog.  It is very strange to me how I can sit in the living room recliner with my left  (bad hip) leg outstretched and my right leg any position and sit there all day long and not have any pain.  But I can't sit in a regular desk or table chair without incredible pain.  

I think I have mentioned before my husband is a retired Marine and he saw a lot of combat and ugly things.  So he has PTSD and I can usually deal with it and try to take away his anxieties whenever possible.  But this situation with my pain and hip is just escalating his symptoms.  He really can't deal with it.   And now he has a bad cold.  My goodness is he a crabby man lately.  Tomorrow he has his interview for the job in Minnesota.  Fingers-crossed he gets it.

I don't have any pictures today but I am coming along on my sunflower.  The border is all confetti and driving me nuts.  It will be cute when it is finished.  I have a tiny dragon fly charm that I think I will sew onto it too.

I left my journal at home.  It has my notes on it from the book I am reading - The Four Agreements.  It is very interesting look at human behavior.

I am working from home again tomorrow and I have the first appointment for my surgery.  It is a phone call appointment to give information.  Scared about the operation yet so excited to have it done and this pain be gone.

Wishing you all peace and happiness,

Dianne

Monday, December 7, 2015

12/7/15 Monday

Boy, this trying to lose weight is tough stuff.  I don't move much so I don't burn calories. Therefore, I shouldn't take in very many. Eating such a tiny bit is a truly a struggle.

I find that I do not go onto the computer on the weekends.  I stay away from it. I guess my blog won't get updated on the weekends.  This weekend I went to Wal-Mart to stock up on stuff we were running out of.  Then I went to the grocery store.  About 1/2 through the store I knew I was tiring out.  So I only went to about 3/4ths of the grocery store.  Just got the basics for the week.  Could barely move the rest of the weekend.  So much pain. I did get a little bit of stitching done over the weekend.
My husband has a bad cold.  Goodness you would think he is dying.

Listening to an OA meeting on the phone I heard a couple things that stuck with me.  One comment had to do with those that aren't comfortable with the idea of God or those that have a hard time communicating with God.  She said: Start the day with "Good Morning God".  It will help you to start communicating with God.
I found that interesting.

One lady said: "I am hard wired for negativity".  That really struck me too.  My mother is so negative and just always found the bad part of everything.  My co-worker "M", will tell you she is a positive person but she is just like my mother in the fact that she will point out the negative of everything.  Very discouraging and exhausting people to be around.  But I can see where I am hardwired for negativity and I will need to make sure I am on the UP side of things.

I finished the James Patterson book I was reading on Friday so this weekend I started reading a book I have had for many years.  The Four Elements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  So far there have been some interesting ideas that resonate with me.  Like this: No one abuses us as much as we abuse ourselves.  If we have abusive people in our lives-we keep them around-as long as they don't abuse us as much as we abuse ourselves.   Then I got to the first part of how to change yourself.  Be impeccable with your word.  Impeccable means without sin.  Be without sin with your word to yourself and to others.  Very interesting!

Well, I'm off to work.  Have a great day.

Friday, December 4, 2015

12/4/15 Sunflower

TGIF - It's Friday.
So glad.  I worked it out with my boss that I can tele-work some days but not the first week of the month.  It has been working out that if I stay home on Tuesday and Thursday I can recoup from the pain.  When I work all week the pain just builds and builds and I hardly move on the weekend.  It is amazing to me how exhausting pain is.  I am so tired but when I lay down to sleep the pain radiates down my whole leg.  I have these awful dark circles under my eyes now from not enough restful sleep.  Okay enough whining.

My husband is a federal employee and months ago he applied for a job at Fort Snelling in Minnesota. Not too far from our hometown in Wisconsin.  He got notice that he didn't get the job.  Yesterday he got a request to do another interview with them.  This would be awesome.  I wish it would have happened back a few months before we put earnest money down on the new house. It will be a long commute for him.   It would be a really hard beginning to 2016.  They would want him to start in January.  If he gets offered the job he will have to negotiate for February as I am suppose to have surgery Jan 6th.  The other downside is he would move back without me.  We have a lease that we can not get out of.  So I would stay here and work and pay the lease.  While he worked and found a room to rent there.  It would be a tough 10 months but I think it would be worth it.  I couldn't sleep last night and I laid there and it popped into my head that my cousin Julie has a huge house and all her children are gone.  It is huge 3 kitchens, 2 living rooms, at least 4 bedrooms.  I think it has at least 3 bathrooms too.  So I will reach out to her if he gets this job offer.

What I am reading:  I have read a couple of Tom Clancy's books recently.  Dang they are scary.  They were written a while back but they are nailing the current terrorism and world conditions today.
Right now I am reading James Patterson's Unlucky 13.  Again with the scary terrorism plots.  I hope the next book I pick up is more lighthearted.

Here is my Sunflower by Dimensions:

There is a lot of back stitching to be done that will bring out certain elements that right now just look like a mis-mash of colors.

OA For Today: Avoidance of suffering is natural, but as a compulsive overeater,  I am alert to my tendency to try to escape what most people accept as a part of living.

OA Voices of Recovery: Prayer changes things,  And when I don't like the changes, I can at least be assured that they came from God.

Happy Friday Everyone.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

12/3/15 updates.

Hey Everyone,

I haven't been blogging because I have felt so "poor me" and I don't need to bring that depression to anyone.

So some updates.  I am no longer doing Stitch from Stash updates as it has been disbanded.  I really enjoyed it and it did reign my spending in.  I don't have a picture of my latest project which is a 5 X 7 of a Sunflower.  For my sunflower kitchen.

We drove home to Wisconsin over the Thanksgiving week.  I found a property and builder in New Richmond, WI.  We put our money down on a lot and picked a very small house to be built.  It is only 2 bedrooms and no basement.  It is tiny but we needed to keep the price and upkeep low as we will be unemployed and heading out into retirement.  We are too young to actually retire so we need to find jobs next fall.  We should close on it June 30, 2016.  It hasn't been started yet but here is a picture of the one next door to our lot.  It is just like it and is in the process of being built:

I am very excited about it.  Also a little scared about it being so small.  My brother-in-law has a home building background so I am hoping to find plans for a deck and screen porch that I can hire him to do at a low cost.  It is so small it has me wondering about all the stitching projects I have lined up.  I don't think I have enough wall space for them.  LOL.  But I do know once we get moved in we will be having a massive downsizing garage sale.

News on my hip.  I found a doctor who will give me a hip replacement despite my weight.  January 6th is the big day.  I hope nothing changes that.  The pain has been excruciating. Some days I just can't stop crying it hurts so bad. Going from sitting to standing is so painful. The ride on the subway train is a killer.  It is such a herky-jerky ride.  I can barely walk when it is time to get off.  I take so much ibuprofin that sometimes I get sick from that.

I quit weight watchers and started Medifast.  This is one of those diets where you eat their food. Since both programs cost money I can't do both.  The food is disgusting. So I only eat the bars which is like eating candy.  That goes against everything I have learned in Overeaters Anonymous.  With that program you give up foods that trigger binges and candy is one of mine.  Basically it is 1200 calories a day.  I am also suppose to drink 64 ounces of water a day.  Just can't seem to do that.  To try to help with losing weight I have cut back on my anti-depressant that I take.  Can't tell if it is helping or hurting me.  I have lost about 9 pounds.

I read an article last Sunday that was about creativity and doing something for 365 days.  One lady does a different hair braid on herself or someone else.  One lady made tiny chairs out of different stuff.  The object is to finish the project each day.  I was thinking as I was reading that I do Cross stitch a bit every day.  But I don't finish for a long time.  Reading the Bible daily is an awesome goal too but again you don't finish.  There was nothing creative that popped into my head.  Then the article said writing everyday was another creative 365 day thing you could do.  That made me think I could start being more reliable about my blog and that may get my juices flowing.  We shall see how that goes.

December 3rd scripture: Luke 9: 1,2  He called the 12 together and gave them power and authority over all the demons and to cure diseases.  And he sent them out to preach the Kingdom of God and to heal.

OA's Voices of Recovery: Pray to God but continue to row to shore.

Thanks for listening.

Monday, October 26, 2015

10/26/15 Stitch from Stash update

Hi All,

I haven't posted in quite a while.  My Stitch from Stash update for October is:
Spent zero
Earned $12.00

I have gotten to block 11 of Save the Stitches.  I have decided to stop at this level.  As I have stitched this, I have loved it, but I have been constantly wondering what I am going to do with it.  In its completed form it is 3 feet long.  So I decided to stop at this size and have it framed.  I have 2 little spots to do that I think will make it look complete to me.

As I was stitching it it popped into my head that it was like a snowflakes or ice crystals because no 2 blocks are the same.  That and the color of this reminded me of the glacier in Alaska.  It is blue because of the minerals in it.  So I am calling this my glacier ice crystals.



I framed my owl from last month too,




I haven't posted much because I feel like I am being so "woe is me",  My left hip is killing me with pain but I can't have surgery because of my weight.  I feel like I am constantly spiraling in a circle of pain.  Had a meltdown last week and took 2 days off work.  That is so not me.

Happy stitching in November.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

9/24/15 Stitch from Stash Update

Here is my September reporting.

Spent $11.44 on floss and aida
Earned $6.00 for the owl

I took a Buccilla kit on vacation with me and was so disappointed in the floss, I went to Walmart and replaced it with DMC.

Since I finished the owl, I am going back to my Save the Stitches project.  I think I will work on that for awhile.

That's all for today.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

9/23/15 lots to say & 6 more lbs gone

I haven't posted in a few days and I have so much to say.  Prepare to be bored.  LOL  First thing I did was change my page nickname to my real first name.  So instead of Dizzy it now says Dianne.

On Friday morning I had my cortisone shot at the hospital.  Wasn't the worst pain I have ever endured but it was not pleasant either.   They inject a pain killer into the area and then they stick in the BIG needle for the cortisone.  I had to have more pain killer.  Laying on that operating table for so long caused my back muscles to spasm when I got up.  They said since I was loaded up with pain killers in my leg, to be careful, to not overdo things.  To go home and take it easy.  I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and just picked up salad fixings.  By the time I got home, I just didn't feel great.  Not really sick.  More like depressed and down.  I had a low grade temperature and a slight headache.   No energy.  So I had microwave popcorn for lunch and dinner.

My husband was gone all week for work so I didn't eat big meals at all.  I basically cleaned out the fridge and freezer of leftovers.  I felt really good about my eating and sticking to the 30 points weight watchers allows me.

Remember when I told you that I was getting an OA sponsor Kelly.  Well she insisted I have a doctor approved food plan and that I plan out my meals the night ahead and report them too her.  This does work for a lot of people.  But I have been using OA to stop the obsessing about food and I feel it has really helped but in the few days of working with Kelly I found myself thinking about food constantly.  I felt like I was back sliding.  So I sent her an email Monday morning and told her I just wasn't ready for this program.  Not all OA sponsors work that way so it is not a program that is required.  I had such a good food day Monday.  I ate my WW breakfast, had a gluten free burrito for lunch, a banana for snack and pork chop and cauliflower for supper.  Had a 90 calorie Fiber One bar for a snack in the evening.  I felt so good.  No feelings of starving and needing to binge.  

I weighed in at WW on Tuesday morning.  6 lbs down.  So excited.  A total of 16 lbs.  I wanted to call my sisters and celebrate.  Since they both fight with weight issues too, I decided it would be mean and seem like I was gloating.  But I was super excited.  This is a huge accomplishment for me.  I need to keep going.  I need to get this weight off.

On to different things.  I was the winner of a gift package from Sharon at the blog Seaside Stitcher.
I love the little lantern.  I have these battery tealights from my niece's wedding and so the lantern won't get hot. I love candle light so this is perfect in our living room.  I have already used the hand lotion and lip gloss.  There was also these pretty pink clothes pins that I am going to try to use with my big Save the Stitches project.  I need help holding the excess material.  So thank you so very much Sharon.  I love everything.  Check out her blog.  Link is above.  She has a post about her dog.  It is adorable.


In the cross stitch arena I have been working on the baby owl to send to my niece.    I made the baby fox for her sister and I wanted to send them both out at the same time.  Well the niece that the baby fox is for has made some really bad choices.  If I send it to her now it will seem like a reward and I think she is being punished.  She is 16.  No drivers license.  Took her mother's car without permission and nearly ran another driver off the road texting and then crashed the car.  She is okay despite not wearing a seat belt.  One bad decision after another.  So you can see why sending a gift right now would be in bad taste.  But here is a picture of the owl.
 He is very cute.

I think I have babbled on enough now.  Thanks for reading my blog.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

9/16/15 Not too bad

I went to Weight Watchers yesterday.  I hadn't been there since 7/23/15.  At that time I was down 11 pounds.  Yesterday I was still down 10.2 pounds.  Only a small gain.  What a great feeling. (I thought for sure I had gained it all back)    I have had 2 days of abstinence so far.  I consider abstinence to be staying on my food plan and no binges or grazing in the evening.

I didn't make it to Bible Study last night but I did call in and follow along while listening on the phone.  Feel good about that too.

I spoke with a woman (from OA) on the phone yesterday.  She is going to work with me.  So relieved to have a guide.  First assignment is to go back to the AA Big Book and read the doctors opinion in the front.  Second assignment list the food that I cannot control.  Foods that I can't just have a taste of but I have to eat all of it.

Here is what I have so far: pizza, potato chips (or any kind of snack like that such as Cheetos or Doritos), french fries, pastires, soda, ice cream, orange juice, assorted chocolates (like in a box of candy).
These would be considered "trigger" foods.  While any diet plan will possibly say you can have any of these things just with moderation.  I really can't have these foods because they cause me to eat out of control.

Today I am grateful for the people who read my blog and send their support, Kelly from OA who is willing to help me, and my sisters that listen to me whine.

For today:  I will try to stay positive and upbeat.  Going for day 3 of my food plan!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

9/15/15 Emotional Roller Coaster

Hi Everyone,

What a crazy emotional roller coaster I have been on for the last few days.  Some back story, In May I tripped on the streets of DC and really hurt my right leg. One day while I was recovering and favoring my right leg the escalator at the Metro was not working and so I was walking down the escalator stairs.  I felt a pain rip through my left upper thigh.  In June I knew something was wrong with my hip.  I had a doctor appointment for something else so I mentioned my hip hurt so much.  My doctor told me it wasn't my hip but a groin injury and it would take a long time to heal. They took X-rays and said I did have arthritis in my hips. (that's nothing new, I have arthritis everywhere) Well by the time August came around the pain wasn't better but worse.  At times I couldn't even stand up from a sitting position.  My husband threw a hissy fit so I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. On Friday that doctor told me I needed a hip replacement.  So I cried and felt sorry for myself.  But the range of motion test he did on my leg has made my pain so intense that I was coming to grips with the idea of surgery.  Anything to relieve this pain.  I cannot go from a sitting to a standing position without intense pain.

Okay, now for the humiliating part.  I went to see the orthopedic surgeon Monday.  I cannot have surgery as I weigh too much.  I am going for a cortisone shot for temporary relief.   I am so embarrassed and humiliated. I had to talk to my husband and tell him.   This is usually where my eating for comfort comes in.  I stayed on my food plan yesterday despite this news!

I have been avoiding weight watchers for the last couple weeks.  I am going to go weigh in today.  I have to do this.  I have to get my weight down.  So back I go.  I am still listening to OA meetings.  I am looking for an OA sponsor to work with me too.  Getting the weight down will possibly lessen some of this pain too.

My husband is traveling for work so I had my conversation with him over the phone.  I wasn't truly honest.  I never came out and said I am too fat.  It's not like he doesn't know but I just couldn't say it out loud to him.  But we talked about our food choices and he has put on a bunch of weight too.  So we talked about eating better and to stop snacking. I am going to start riding my stupid exercise bike too. So it was a good conversation.

I am working my goals this week.  I went to Sunday worship.  I am going to Bible study tonight.  I am going to Weight Watchers today.  I am praying for abstinence from over eating.

Today I am grateful for my husband, my family and my job.  I am grateful for the painful eye opening I got yesterday.

Thank you for listening.

Monday, September 14, 2015

09/11/15 I'm back

Hello,

Wisconsin was awesome.  I loved being home.  My husband and I drove all over looking for an area he would like to move to.  We drove all over St. Croix County.  We went to Menomonie and River Falls too.  He didn't really like anything.  This was quite depressing to me.  The area is beautiful and I found so many places I would love to live.  It is so much nicer than Washington DC.  I fear that he will never be happy.  He has not had a great life and his job is awful.  His PTSD is getting worse.  But again, I loved everything Wisconsin.  I got to hang out with some of the ladies that use to work for me and we have become such wonderful friends.  My brother and sisters were all together for the first time in about 12 years.  My brother has been sober for about 3 or 4 months.  A MIRACLE!!  He is so much more fun when he is sober.  He has a great sense of humor.

Bottom line is I am excited to move back.  It will be in August 2016 or August 2017.  Depends on how long my husband can hang on to his job without going bat-poop crazy,

I received a beautiful necklace from Esmeralda in Holland. I love it.  Here is a picture of the charms.


I picked up my Baby Fox.  I am loving the framing. The picture isn't very good.  It has a yellow mat under the green mat. and a beautiful wood frame. I can't send it to my niece until I finish the owl for her sister.  I don't want to cause a jealousy rift.  I then have 2 projects to do for my 2 other nieces.



I think it will be quite a while before I get back to my projects for my self.  I took a sunflower Buccilla kit on vacation with me to sort the threads out.  I got so frustrated with the color chart and the tangled floss that I looked up a Buccilla floss to DMC conversion chart and went to Walmart and bought all new floss and threw the Buccilla floss out.  I only got a few stitches in so it has gone back into the storage drawer for now.

As for my weight goals, I ate too much food in Wisconsin.  We ate out for every meal.  Amazing how fast 10 pounds can go on and how painfully slow it comes off.


OA for Today: I know and accept that who I am and what I have  - my family, friends, job, home, husband - are exactly what I want for today.

Such a true sentiment.

OA Voices of Recovery:  Reach out for emotional nourishment with people not food.


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

8/25/15 Stitch from Stash August update

Stitch from Stash August update.

I had to buy some floss for my Owl and I found some charms that I couldn't resist.  A total spent = $6.40

I finished my Woodland Babies Fox and block 8 of Save the Stitches for a total of $8.00.

Here are my update photos


I took the fox to Michael's to get it framed. I spent way to much money but the framing really makes this fox awesome.  It is a gift so at least I didn't spend the money on myself.  I will post a picture when I get it back from vacation.

I have started working on an owl for another niece.

We are leaving for Wisconsin tomorrow.  I will be without a computer for 8 days.  I am taking a cross stitch kit with me.  It is a sunflower and I haven't started it.  I figure at night while in my hotel room I can get the kit opened up and get the floss organized.

I am going home to Wisconsin to see my family.  My sisters and brother and me have not all been in the same room for a long time.  I think the last time was when my one sister had her 10th wedding anniversary which was like 12 years ago.  My husband has not even met my brother.  Kind of nervous.  I guess I should mention that my mother is there too.  She is hard to deal with.

The other thing we will be doing in Wisconsin is looking at apartments and visiting a realtor to see about buying a small house. We want to move back in a year.

I have been listening to 3 phone OA meetings a day while working.  I just put my earbuds in.  This way I don't have to listen to my co-worker M, the bigot.  But I have been working on my spirituality and trying to do more prayer.  I have been asking God for help at combating the self-isolation that I have brought upon myself.  Last night, 2 elders from my congregation stopped in unexpectedly.  I think God has answered my prayers.  They came to see if I was doing okay and if they could offer me any assistance.  So loving and kind.  I had earlier in the day set a goal to start going back to Sunday worship services when we get back from Wisconsin.  I hate the East Coast so bad that I don't go outside.  The air here is so heavy I feel like I can't breathe.  It is so hot and humid and I am miserable.

I am really looking forward to a week with my family and old friends and to get away from this oppressive weather and my horrible co-worker.  

Thanks for reading, talk to you after Labor Day.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

08/19/15

I haven't posted for awhile again.  I basically have a boring life.  But that is okay.  I don't need drama or strife.  I have not gotten to a place of abstinence the last 2 weeks.  I have been listening to my OA phone meetings regularly.  Problem is I am at work so it can be hard to concentrate.

I should really play the lottery.  I would like to be at home and not working. Alternating between reading, stitching, talking to my siblings on the phone and cooking.

I have been fighting a headache this week and part of last week.  Despite that I am very grateful that I can listen to these OA meetings.  I am grateful for my sisters, my husband, my home, my job...

I have been reading Debbie Macomber books.  They are a fast read.  Nothing too deep in them. Sometimes I just like to read where it doesn't take heavy thought.   I did read the Whistling Season by Doig.  It was okay.  I ordered some books for my really old Kindle today since we are going on vacation next week and I don't want to carry books to Wisconsin with me.  So many books so little time.

I finished my cross stitch fox and I am taking it to Michael's tonight to see if I can get it framed so I can take it to Wisconsin with me.  I have started stitching on a baby owl for my other niece.  I have so many patterns and kits at home that I want to stitch.  So much to stitch so little time.

Happy day to you all.

Monday, August 10, 2015

A new week 08/10/15

Last week was a horrible week and I should have reached out to someone instead of wallowing in whatever it was that I was wallowing in.  I ate badly all week.  I didn't binge like I have in the past but I did not make good choices.  I sabotaged myself like I always do.

This is such a small thing in the scope of all the real problems people have.  There are only 4 people in my office.  That includes me.  2 of them were gone last week so it was just me and M.  She is so hard to deal with.  If there were 20 of us in the office I would just do what I could to avoid her. Her cube is next to mine.  She talks constantly. She has done everything, she has an opinion on everything and she is always right.  She is a bigot too.  No one is off limits to her bigotry.  She has something against every group of people.  Once I tried to call her on it.  She had made a derogatory remark about firemen not being able to make smart decisions.  It burned with me all night so I confronted her by email.  She came to me and apologized but yet she turned it around that I misunderstood.  I did not.  So last week I think she insulted Jews, factory workers, blacks, hispanics, Texans and Canadians.  In an office this small I am not comfortable standing up for all the people in the world.  It would be too exhausting.  So instead,  I just got more and more depressed as the week went on.  I didn't get to listen to my OA meetings and that made me sad too.  OMGosh, I am embarrassed at how I can allow another person to affect me so badly.  I think she is like my mother and that in itself probably helps to paralyze me from dealing with her.

I started this week by saying good-bye to my husband.  He is on assignment for work.  He is the United States this time so that is good but he still has to carry a gun so there is always danger. Everyone is back at work so M won't be blabbing constantly.  She holds back when the boss is there. Lots of things I want to accomplish with my honey gone.  Mostly I want to achieve abstinence again.

I am hoping to get myself on track this week.  What I took from today's OA meetings was rely on God for everything.  Turn everything over to him.  The Bible says do not rely upon your own understanding and that is what a OA member brought out today.  She said she needs to rely on God and not herself because relying on herself had gotten her to this unhealthy place.  How true!

I finished my cross stitch fox for my niece.  I will have a picture at the end of the month.  I am going to start on an owl for another niece and I have 2 ideas for my other 2 nieces that I haven't fully gotten planned yet.

I think I read 3 books last week by Debbie Macomber.  Easy reads.  This week I am reading The Whistling Season.


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tuesday 7/28/15 Stayed on track last week.

I weighed in today at WW.  Down 3.2 lbs.  For a total of 11 lbs.  It has taken 3 months but I am so happy to  have hit the first 10 lb mark.  I have to try hard not to sabotage myself now.  I had 3 days of abstinence last week.  My loving husband tried to temp me with ice cream and such but I just said no thank you.  Went to the grocery store on Saturday and felt those familiar cravings of needing to get potato chips or other nummy "bad" food.  I went shopping hungry - stupid thing to do.  But I stayed on plan.  I got myself a diet coke to drink in the car since it is so hot and humid here.  Just so happy with myself.

The feeding frenzy feeling is back today and yesterday.  In my food plan I give myself a small treat after supper.  It works for me and I was able to turn my husband down on his high calorie treats.  But Sundays get all messed up.  He likes a big Sunday meal around 2:00.  It goes back to the thing where he eats 2 giant meals a day and is okay.  I need my 3 meals a day.  So by Sunday night I was snacking again.  Sunday night I had a large piece of blueberry pie. Then later some chips that my dear husband bought. I did say no to the ice cream.  What I have learned at OA is that having the sugary pie is probably what is sending my body into the frenzy again.  The sugar and I don't get along.  Also the fat in chips is another trigger.  THEN, on Monday a co-worker brought me a half of a lemon pound cake.  It is sitting on my desk taunting me.  So tonight it is going to the homeless man that is at the subway entrance.  I put a clean plastic fork in the bag with the cake and he hopefully he will enjoy it.

All the problems in the world and I am obsessed with food.  It is just not right.  So tomorrow, I will get back on my eating plan and hope for at least 4 days abstinent, or 5, 6, etc....

I am stitching away at my Woodland fox.  Was too tired to even look at it last night.  I don't think it will be done by the end of the month.  So many projects so little time.

Still reading Waterlily by Ella Cara Deloria.  Interesting so far.

One day at a time.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Finally Friday 7/24/15

I went to the dentist this morning and he says my gum is not infected.  I have to go with that but I think he is wrong.  He says it is just irritated by the temporary crown.  Oh and by the way we are cancelling your new crown installation for tomorrow.  You can come in next Friday.  Seriously!  I have to have this bump and icky tasting thing in my mouth another week.

After the dentist I had to head to work.  2 1/2 hours later than usual so I was traveling the subway with the DC tourists.  At one stop about 100 FFA students get on and then a few stops later about 300 people get on.  When we get to my stop about 500 people get off the subway and are standing in line for the escalator.  Which has not worked in months so people are trying to go up and down.  I thought I might be stuck in the stupid subway all morning.  So glad to get to work.  But my day seems all discombobbled.

I am so ecstatic to report that yesterday I can say that I was abstinent.  I had a GREAT food day.  My husband got out crackers and cheese but I had already eaten dinner so I declined.  So proud of me. Then later he got out ice cream.  I declined.  I had already had my allowed dessert.  Really proud of me!!  I can only hope this translates into weight loss.  I am also hoping to keep this going.  Of course, for some crazy reason, I self sabotage myself all the time.

OA For Today:
I celebrate the miracle of my new life in OA.  Yes I am!

I really hope to have a good weekend.  I know I have to go to Walmart.  My vacuum cleaner died and I need a new one.  Along with restocking some supplies.  

I did finish the book The Year of Fog.   Not sure how I feel about it.  Don't want to spoil the ending for anyone so I won't go into it.  Next book is Waterlily by Ella Cara Deloria.   

I could read and stitch all week end and be a happy girl..

Thanks for reading my blog.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Stitch from Stash July check in

Stitch from Stash July check in.

Spent 3.75 on floss for my fox
Earned 4.00 for block 7 of Save the Stitches.

I have no pictures today.  I put 2 new pages on my blog with pictures.  One for 2015 finishes and one with older finishes.  The pages don't look that great because... let's face it...I really have become technology challenged.

I have been attempting to work on my goals.  I am reading my Examining the Scriptures Daily book each morning.  Today's scripture is Gen 26:4 The promise of a Messiah through Abraham's family line.    
I have been listening to lots of OA meetings and trying to work the OA program.  I feel like I am doing really well.  I still haven't worked any exercise into my life.  I am hoping that will come as I continue.  

I have been stitching on my Woodland fox for my niece.

I am reading The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond.  I really hope this has a happy ending.  It is a sad story so far.

I have been talking to my sister.  She fights food in the same ways I do.  We both stuff our feeling down with food.  We have to stop that.  It doesn't help it just makes the problem worse.  

I think the dental work I had done a week and a half ago is infected so I will be at the dentist tomorrow morning.

I think that is all the updates I have today.

Have a great day.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Tuesday 7/21/15 Weigh In

Last week at my weigh-in I had gained 4.4 lbs.  That was on Thursday.  Today when I weighed in I was down 4 lbs.  Wow! I knew I was being good.  I tried to eat smaller portions.  Yesterday, I told my husband that I had been good all weekend.  He said "no you weren't you had strawberry shortcake".  Well... yes I did. But we bought a big (too much) bucket of fried chicken from the Lancaster Dutch stand.  In 2 days , which is 4 meals I had 4 pieces of chicken.  3 of those pieces were wings.  He had 10 pieces.  I need to get him to understand portions.  AND I didn't pig out on the shortcake, I just had a piece.  It was controlled.  He also doesn't understand that I need lunch so he thinks I over ate because I had 3 meals.  He at his entire large breakfast at Denny's on Saturday morning and I ate half of my breakfast sandwich and just picked at the hash-browns.  So while I still don't consider myself in a state of abstinence yet, I think I am making progress.  Last night he made huge salads for us for supper.  He thinks that is diet food.  There was way too much.  So I split mine in half and had it for lunch today too.

Another thing that might be helping me this week is Earl Grey tea.  I bought some for work.  It is suppose to aid in digestion and I think it is working.  (Just use your imagination there).

I read recently that although alcoholics cannot drink alcohol they still need to drink something.  Same with foodaholics.  We can't have trigger foods but we still need to eat.
Potato chips, Doritos, etc, I have no control over and I have to stay away from them.

OA For Today:  I have taken the 1st step. God, help me to stay on this new path toward physical, mental, and spiritual recovery.

Onto other things, I am still stitching on my fox.  I started a new book yesterday too.  The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond.  I love to read.  I could spend the whole day going back and forth between reading and stitching.

My husband and I are still talking about retirement and finances.  We are putting ourselves on a budget but I think we have changed our move home to WI date to Sept of 2017.  Ugh!  Although that goes along with what I told people when I married him.  I would be back in 10 years.

Writing this blog has made me realize, I have a pretty dull ordinary life.  Most days that is okay.    I need to have my brother and sisters around me.  That is when the fun starts.   :-)

Monday, July 20, 2015

Monday 7/20/15

Last week I finally hauled myself over to WW and weighed in.  A gain of 4.4.  I knew it was going to be up.  I was quite worried about spending the weekend with my husband away form home because every meal is eaten out.  I think I did pretty good.  I kept my meal portions down.  At the one restaurant I had a burger but didn't eat the bun and had them hold the fries.  I did have the heel of the complimentary bread they brought to the table.  Also, I haven't had a French fry since last November.  Yay!   I wouldn't say I conquered being abstinent yet.  Mainly for things like:  at the movie, I did get a small popcorn and water.  I didn't get a coke like usual.  So small steps.  We saw the Minions.  I loved it.  The music was great.

One thing about eating with my husband is he eats a big breakfast and I can't eat like that. My portions need to be small.  So he will not eat until supper time and then eat a big meal.  Meanwhile, by suppertime I am starving.  Then I overeat.  I need to have a lunch.  He doesn't seem to understand that.

We did a little bit of walking and boy am I out of shape.  My feet and legs hurt. But as I heard at OA, feel the pain don't hide it.  The pain is proof of what you have done and you need to be aware to stop doing it.

I did some spiritual reading this weekend, so I made progress on that goal.  I did get time to work on my cross stitch fox.  And I finished the book "Top Secret Twenty-One" by Janet Evanovich.

My husband and I spent a great amount of time this weekend talking about finances and whether we can actually retire Sept 2016.  We are looking hard at it and going to have another discussion tonight.
I don't actually get to retire.  I lost my retirement fund when the place I worked at was sold.  The little amount that I was given after the sale was lost in a very nasty divorce.  If I leave my job in 2016 instead of 2017 I lose 5,000.00 of the little tiny retirement fund I have built up in the job I am in now and have had for 4 years.   My honey hates his job and I hate the east coast so I am hoping he sticks with the 2016 retirement date.  I told him if he doesn't retire then I want to fly home more often.  Like on July 4th to hang out with my sisters and cousins in Cannon Falls MN.  Fun times.  Don't think he liked that idea.

OA For Today: Growth is the opposite of control,  Another way to put it is learning to Let Go and Let God.  Do I really need to be in control...or can I trust in my Higher Power?

OA Voices of Recovery: Today I live in reality and truly avoid making situations larger than they really are.

Examining the Scriptures Daily: Support the Weak.  1Thess 5:14

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Thursday 7/16/15

Yesterday was pretty good.  I won't call it abstinent because of some light snacking last night.  But it was a fairly good day.  Don't even know why I snacked.  There was absolutely reason for it.  So starting again.

Today's OA meeting was mostly about not being a people pleaser. For Today: I seek my own approval first, then the approval of others.

If you would like to join me in the 6:45 OA Sunrise Meeting.  It is Eastern Standard Time, 6:45am.  Dial 712-432-5200,  When the voice asks for your meeting id, key 4285115#
You can then listen in to the readings and the comments.  If you want to comment just press *1 to unmute and when done *1 again to mute your phone.

I don't write on my blog that often but I have been working at getting better.  I don't write here on the weekends either.  My plans for the weekend are probably stupid being that I am a foodaholic.  My husband would like to go to the Lancaster Dutch meat market in Germantown MD.  So we will be driving there and buying food.  There is also a candy booth, bakery booth, cheese booth and deli booth.  We will also stop at the orchard.  Crazy right?  We are bringing coolers so that we can stop at the movie theater in Gaithersburg MD and not have it spoil.  I will do my best to buy only healthy items and the meat that my husband wants.

From Examining the Scriptures Daily : Eph 3:14, 15 I bend my knees to the Father........


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Wed 7/15/15

Yesterday wasn't too bad of a food day but I can't call it an abstinent day, so starting again today.  Got my food planned out.  My sister is trying to drink a gallon of water a day and I know from years and years of weight loss programs that drinking lots of water helps.  Yuk!  So I have made some ice tea hoping to get my liquid intake up today at work.

I mentioned yesterday that I was reading the book "The Middlesteins".  I will try not to give away the whole book but it is basically about a woman that shovels food in all day and part of the night.  Some of it was a little too close to home for me.  The story was so depressing and I kept thinking, "I hope there is a happy ending or some revelation".  The only think that made me say "HUH!" was near the end when the woman's skinny husband has an eating binge and he is stunned at his need and can't stop.  He thinks, this what his wife must have been feeling.  Then he says to himself, "Food is a wonder place to hide".  WOW moment for me.   I had gained a little bit when I moved on my own in the 70's.  I was right out of high school and on my own and it was scary.   I started to eat too much when married to my first and  horrible husband.  It was a coping mechanism for being in hell.  But when I left him and filed for divorce things got so ugly and I started the binge eating and fast food drive-bys like a crazy person.  I gained a ton of weight,  Food, indeed, is a wonderful place to hide.  Now to figure out if I am still hiding and from what or is eating now just a bad habit.  I really have nothing to hide from so I need to break this cycle.  Trying to really focus in on OA this week.

OA Today: The truth shall set you free
That is a quote from the Bible that has to do with the truth of God's Word but it can be applied to other things.  A food addiction is a fact, like your height.  In recognizing that truth, I am able to admit I am powerless over food, give up my will (to God) and become free.  
For Today: It is not a disgrace or a weakness to admit my powerlessness over food.  That is an idea that has nothing to do with the truth.

OA Voices of Recovery: Today, no more beating myself up by planning disagreeable food to punish myself.  My self esteem depends upon me being able to make and keep my commitments.

I hope to make it through today with these thoughts.

Started a new book to pleasure read today,  Top Secret Twenty-One by Janet Evanovich.  Decided to go to something light-hearted.  I should keep track of what I finish reading.  I read a couple of books a week.  I think I might be stunned by the list at the end of a year.

Stitched a little bit on my fox last night.  His head is almost done. I must be holding my arm funny, it is starting to hurt.

Have a great abstinent day.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

7/14/15 Tuesday

I mentioned yesterday that I had been to the dentist on Saturday.  3 hours in his chair getting a filling removed and then a root canal.  In 2 weeks I get to go back for a crown - WOO HOO!  My mouth hurts so much and the really weird thing is it feels like deep inside my tooth it itches,  I think a by-product of this is a headache.  I can give my mouth a break during the day but at night I clench my jaw and I wake up with so much mouth pain.  Hope it heals soon.  The really down side is, it does NOT stop me from eating.

I was in no mood to walk over to weight watchers for weigh in today.  I will have to go tomorrow.  I know I have gained, I feel like I have.  I wish I could wrap my head around the feeling inside me that I want to go on an eating frenzy.  I am reading the book "The Middlesteins" it is about a women that eats a ton of food and has numerous food related medical problems.  I hope this book ends with some insight since I can kind of relate to this woman.

Last week and this week I have been listening to 4 OA meetings a day.  I don't think that is necessary anymore.  I now need to figure out which ones I can get the most out of.  This little tidbit came from today.  Compulsive overeating did an admirable job of helping me bury my fears alive.  Amazing how food can calm an anxiety.

Goodness, I am so tired right now I could lay my head down and go to sleep.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Monday 7/13/15 Starting again.

Last week didn't go very well food wise.  The heat and rain really got me down.  I have this pulled muscle in my upper thigh/groin and it is not getting better.  Then on Saturday I spent 3 hours in a dentist chair getting a root canal.  Now my face hurts. I didn't do any of my spiritual reading.  Just a major downer.  I did stitch a little bit on Sunday.

So starting the week yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary.  But since I didn't feel good we didn't celebrate by going out,  We are going to Maryland this coming weekend to visit some of the places we liked when we lived there.  Like the Lancaster Dutch Market in Germantown and the orchard in Gaithersburg.

Today, Monday, the OA readings really hit home for me.  I don't live in the present I am always living in the future in my head it will be better when...  Not the way to live,

OA For Today:  I refuse to sacrifice today for a tomorrow that never comes. I have everything I need to live today.  

I am going to focus on that today.

In OA Voices of Recovery: When I take my fear to God, He gives me the ability and the desire to see my life more clearly.  My faith leads me to everything I need to surmount my difficulties if I am open to receiving the gift.  I trust that God will take care of me.

Those were really powerful readings for me today.  I hope I can keep them in mind all day

Have a great day everyone.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

7/8/15 Am I in Bondage

Yesterday I weighed in.  I skipped weigh in last week and we went on a mini vacation over the 4th. So lots of things not in my favor but I didn't gain.  I stayed the same.  Huge relief.  Now to stay on track today.

I tried to start journaling again.  While I love the idea of it, I just am not disciplined enough to do it.  I also do not like tracking my food.  Every weight loss program I have been a part of says to do that.  I get the logic of it.  You have to be aware of what you are putting in your mouth.  I need to work harder at that.

I was hoping to get back on the exercise bike yesterday too.  I will use any excuse to avoid it.  It was so hot, humid and miserable yesterday so by the time my hour commute was over I was done in. I know! Stupid reason.   I didn't do any spiritual studying or stitching last night either.  I am reading War Brides by Helen Bryan and I did get caught up in that last night.

This morning's For Today was good.  Am I really honest with myself or do I use old rationalizations as to why I am obese?  Basically stop making excuses be honest with yourself.

Also today's Voices of Recovery was good: Clearly, if we are to live free of the BONDAGE of compulsive eating, we must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause us problems.  The idea of being in bondage to certain foods and eating behaviors is in striking contrast to the way I live, in that, these foods and behaviors are "treats".

Abstinence opens the prison door.  If I can jump this hurdle life would get so much better.  One day at a time.

Another OA member had mentioned that he has an allergy to these trigger foods.  An allergy causes an adverse reaction.  I can see that I am allergic to sugar, sweets, fried foods, junk food etc.  So I need to tell myself that if I eat that it will cause an allergic reaction.

Something to think about...................

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

7/7/15 Getting back to the program

My husband and I spent July 4th weekend in North Carolina.  He wanted to go back to Camp LeJeune and U of NC - Wilmington. It was a walk down memory lane for him.  Some closure I hope and some very emotional times.  We stopped at the Beirut Memorial.  He was in the Beirut war.  I don't think I have ever seen him that emotional.  He has lots of painful memories from his combat years in the Marine Corp. We drove past the places he had lived in Jacksonville NC.  I hope this trip makes his PTSD better and not worse.  We are moving from DC back to Wisconsin in August of 2016 and we know we are never coming back to the east coast.  I hate it here and he got stuck here because of his first wife. So he wanted this trip to say good-bye to past days.

He hasn't lived in the "northland" in 41 years so I hope he won't be sorry to move back.  I don't know if he can handle the winters.  Winters in DC are a piece of cake temperature wise.  I have only been gone for 8 years so I am so excited to go back.

My eating was pretty good over this holiday weekend since every meal we ate was in a restaurant or fast food place.  Although I did have too many cokes.  I don't think I overate until the last night.  We ordered pizza and there is just no stopping me.  But yesterday at home it seemed we were both starving.  Don't know what triggered that.

I will weigh in at WW today and hope that it isn't too bad of a gain.

I did lots of stitching and reading yesterday.  I need to exercise but I would rather stitch and read.

Thought for today from Sir John Templton:  An Attitude of Gratitude Creates Blessings.

I am truly blessed with great friends, wonderful family and amazing husband,

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Everyday is a struggle 6/30/15

People that don't have weight issues or addictive problems have no idea what a struggle food can be.  Everyday is a struggle.  Today's OA phone meeting the message I got was  - one day at a time.  Don't live in the past or the future.  Both of those are a problem for me.  I have always daydreamed.  Always thinking of a better life in the future.  I also relive bad things from the past.  I have been divorced for 7 years now and live 900 miles away from "him" and I still have nightmares.

Yesterday my boss took us out to lunch.  I tried to do the "eat only half".  I ordered a spicy lamb burger.  It was yummy.  Ate the whole thing but I didn't eat the bun.  Asked to not have the fries.  It was a greek restaurant so I had 3/4 of a spanakopada.  That is totally not how you spell it or say it.   But then for dessert, 2 small scoops of vanilla ice cream.  Ate it all.  No surprise there. Somethings there is just no control over.

I am suppose to weigh in today but I am going to skip it and try to gain control of today.  I will weigh in tomorrow.

I was so tired when I got home yesterday.  I was in bed by 8:00.  Hoping for a better day.

For today, I dug out my OA food journal.  Will see if I can work on that today.  One day at a time.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Monday 6/29/15

Not a very good week food ways.  Last week I got a lot of free offers emailed to me because of my birth date.  Free Cookie from Pot Bellies, Free drink for Starbucks, Free bowl from Noodles and Co. etc.  There is something in my brain waves (maybe comes from growing up poor) that says you can't pass on free stuff.  Needless to say, it was a bad food week.

I tried to do a "challenge yourself" with my sister.  It was to eat half of what you normally would and exercise for 10 minutes.  I did good on some of the days but by Friday I was out of sync.  I had a doctor appointment at 10:00am on Friday that I had to fast for.  So by the time it was over I was famished.  I didn't eat very much for lunch but that snack I had was too much.  I did find out that I have arthritis in my hips but the pain I have is from a pulled muscle and I need to get the inflammation down and take it easy.   So that blew apart riding my exercise bike.  It doesn't take much for me to find a reason NOT to exercise.

I have been listening in on 2 OA meetings a day, Monday thru Friday.  Wow there are some whiny, woe is me, people.  People who blame the world for all their problems.  While I do blame my mother for some of my behaviors due to her insanity, I know that I am responsible for my issues.  I have to listen in while I am working so I don't think I am getting the best benefit.  I will keep trying.

I have been getting more spiritual study in this last week I hope to continue that.

Update on my cross stitch projects.  My mason jars is much more complicated than I thought it would be.  It is time to put it down and switch to my Save the Stitches project.  After that I am going to switch to the fox pattern I am doing for my niece.  It is calling my name.  No pictures today.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

June 25 Stitch from Stash update

My Stitch from Stash June totals are:
Spent 9.89 for the booklet Woodland Babies
Earned 4.00 for Block 6 of Save the Stitches.


Here are the pictures.  The way the picture came out on Block 6 it looks like it is getting narrower but it really isn't.  Almost time to start block 7.


This is my new project I started in the middle of June.  It is called Mason Jar Lineup.  It will be for my kitchen when I am done.  I found the frame for it at Goodwill.
This is the project I am going to work on at work.  It is from the booklet Woodland Babies.  My niece asked for a fox so I am going to try to work on this in any spare time I have.  lol


Onto other things.  I had a fairly good food day yesterday.  I am always famished at suppertime so I eat way too much.  Last night it was basically just a bowl of lettuce but it was way too much.  I did make my goal to do a little spiritual studying before starting to work on my cross stitch.  That was a good accomplishment for me.  Working on the spiritual is a big part of OA.

Today I am grateful for all the people in my life.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

June 24 2015

My weigh in yesterday showed a gain of .02.  So not too bad. 


I remembered to listen in on the OA phone call this morning.  In the "Voices of Recovery" reading there was the sentence, I am different from a normal eater.  So true.  My portions are just way too big when I do attempt to eat "normal".  I have a lot of work to do.  But as the last sentence of the reading said, Today I can rest easy in the fact that I am not alone. 


I did some spiritual studying last night and then I was going to stitch but I was too tired.  I love to sit and cross stitch but I think I have to get in the mind set of doing the spiritual first.   I should do a little spiritual every evening. 


OA's For Today: Do I sabotage myself...
                          
                                  I am willing to examine old ways of thinking.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

June 23 2015

It is Tuesday.  I am going to weigh in at WW today.  Last week I was down a total of 8 lbs.  Lost 2 of them that week.  One pound was probably due to my clothes.  It is hot here and I switched from jeans to capri pants.  I had a bad week so I expect to gain.  I don't know what is wrong in my head that makes me sabotage myself.  I can even tell when I am doing it and I don't stop.  According to OA I am not giving it up to my higher power.  This is very true.  I don't rely or trust anyone.  I put that blame on my mother for her insanity when I was a child and never knowing when the hammer was going to fall or how many times a day it would fall.


I spoke with my sister last night because she struggles with food issues and depression as I do.  I mentioned that as I get older I see myself becoming more like mother is now.  Just sitting and doing nothing.  I just read or cross stitch.  I am even finding it hard to pay bills and balance the check book.  Things that use to bring me pleasure.  (I know kind of weird too)  But one of the things I wanted to mention to my sister today was that sitting still I think has a lot to do with the pain.  Mother, me and my sister are in a lot of pain.  Arthritis pain is a big part.  But I wonder if we don't have a chronic pain syndrome of some sorts too.


Another thought that I wanted to express to my sister was heritage.  Our grandmother and her brother were skinny people.  But their 4 or 5 sisters were short and rotund.  Roly poly.  We are built exactly like them.  I believe mother was a compulsive eater too.  She was a very heavy smoker so she did that more than eat but she would get up in the middle of the night and snack.  Dad use to tease her about it.  But she never gained weight.  So while she criticized us for being overweight she had the same behavior. She was just lucky about her size.


OA's For Today - says A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a Hercules.
This tells me that we should attempt to put a small daily task into our routine.  One step at a time as they say.


I have lost my spiritual path too.  I haven't lost my faith, I just don't read and study the Bible like I use too.  A couple weeks ago I started listing to the Bible study meeting and the Sunday worship on the phone.  This last Sunday I managed to get out and go to Sunday worship.  It is so blasted hot/humid here that I avoid going outside as much as possible.  When I lived in the Midwest, I sat outside all the time and enjoyed life.  I digress, my point is I am trying to find my spiritual path again.  I had much happiness when I was on that path. 


Can't put too many new things into one day or week or it will overwhelm me and my brain will shut me and my body down.


Thank you for visiting my blog.



Friday, May 29, 2015

May 29 2015 Stitch from Stash update

I haven't posted for a couple weeks.  First I fell and hurt myself.  My kneecap was so swollen I couldn't walk on my right leg for 2 days.  Then it was time for my trip to Montana to see my cousin.  So beautiful and peaceful in central/northern Montana.

For my May Stitch from Stash reporting:
Spent - zero
Earned - $8.00 for my llama and for block 5 of Save the Stitches.  I am working on block 6 and then I will switch to something else.

The lighting on my llama isn't very good.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

5/14/15

Did pretty good food wise yesterday, until supper time.  I made a trip to Michael's to get my gift for my cousin.  This picture is below.  the way the flash reflected it looks like there are lenses in the glasses. Anyway, I went to UPS to have it shipped to MT.  Totally shocked.  It cost double what it did to frame it.  Holy Crap!  But I wanted to get it there so I paid. 

Then I needed to pick up something for supper.  My husband has been so crabby (he hates his job so much) I decided to get Chinese.  I rarely do that.  I usually stop at Subway and get sandwiches.  But I was hoping to cheer up my crabby guy.    I saved part of my General Tso's tofu for today and I only had a large spoonful of fried rice.  But I ate 2 veggie spring rolls.  I didn't have any soy sauce.  It was so good.  I could eat that GT tofu everyday.  It must be loaded with sugar to make me like it so much.  I need to stay focused and "be good" for the rest of the week.  Man, I love to eat.  Wish I could just go cold turkey.



Catch ya later.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

5/12/15

After finding out yesterday, that I lost 5 lbs for a total of 6 lbs, I was feeling pretty good.  The metro had major issues yesterday so to go home we decided to not get on the metro since to go home on our normal blue line we would go through the trouble spots.  We took the red line to Union Station and got on the VRE to Alexandria and then got back on the blue line to go home.  Cost a lot more.  I was having such a good day but at Union Station the long escalator to the train was not working and as I was going  down, I felt my hip muscle pull.  Almost fell.  So much pain.  I have been having a lot of pain in my left hip.  But the chiropractor seems to help.  But last night OMG.  Also, it was so hot and humid yesterday.  I had every intention of getting on my exercise bike.  Like I mentioned I was motivated.  But with the pain and sweat dripping down my body, I just couldn't handle it.  Jumped in the shower, washed my hair, etc.  Tried to make dinner, only got as far as cutting some veggies for salad.  I had to go lay down and find a spot for my leg with no pain.  I couldn't sit but I found a position laying down that helped.  After awhile I was able to get up and sit in a chair without pain.  I have a doctor appointment in a few weeks so I am going to ask for a hip X-ray.    Bad hips run in my family.  If I need a hip replacement I need to do it before my husband retires and we don't have insurance.

Still trying to be motivated.  I have my meals planned out today.  Still wish I didn't obsess about eating so much.

Monday, May 11, 2015

5/11/15 lost 5 lbs

I weighed in today.  I supposedly lost 5 lbs in the last week.  A part of me really doesn't believe it.  Like maybe the scale was malfunctioning.  My reasoning is my rings are tight.  I felt like I was going to gain this week because of the tightness.  Also, I felt like I was starving and bingeing all week. I guess the good news is eating all those cucumbers when I get hungry helps.  I ate all my lunches and breakfasts from the weight watchers frozen meals.  I tried to pick the ones with the lowest counts.  This way I could have more points to eat at supper time. 

On Sunday's we always eat early.  My husband likes to have a big dinner on Sunday's. By doing this by 6:00pm I am really hungry.  This Sunday the meal wasn't really big but I made a larger than normal amount of cooked broccoli and ate it.  I think that probably did help me out.  And for something sweet, I ate thawed out sugar free peaches at work. 

I feel good when my weight drops below a zero weight like 159 lbs, below 160 (that would be amazing to be that low).  I have less than a 1 lb to go to drop below a zero weight.  That is going to be my motivator this week. (I hope)

Friday, May 8, 2015

5/8/15

Rode my exercise bike for 18 1/2 minutes yesterday.  I was going for 20 but my knee started to hurt so I stopped.  I figured if I kept going I would hurt today and not get back on the stupid thing.  I really hate to exercise.  I find no joy in it at all.  I know I should be doing it everyday and trying to go longer and longer.  I really can't stand it.  I imagine one big reason is all the pain I am in.  But I need to keep going so I can get this weight off which is the cause of most of the pain. 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

5/7/15

Yesterday was a little better food wise.  I still felt like I was on an eating frenzy.  When I have this desire to eat, I would stop and think...Am I hungry?  A couple times yes, and a couple no.   It did help yesterday to have the bowl of broccoli with my WW entrée.  Also, in the afternoon I ate my peaches.  I got the kind in the freezer section with no sugar added.  I put a little cinnamon on them.  It tasted like peach cobbler.  I am taking the tomato juice out of my morning routine.  While it fills me up I think it has too much salt.  At least I hope this water retention.  I am going to be so sad to gain weight on my second weigh in. 

I have a busy day at work today so hopefully that will keep my mind occupied.

Have a great day.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

5/6/15

On Monday, I had my first weigh in with Weight Watchers.  I lost a pound.  Pretty sure it was because I was wearing a different pair of pants that are a lighter material.

Since I decided to do this, I feel like I am starving and can't get enough food.  So it comes down to I am not getting enough food because I don't have enough plain vegetables and fruits in my diet.  I eat all the wrong foods so I am only allowed a 1/2 cup of most things I like to eat.  So I am really hungry.  I feel like I am on a feeding frenzy.  Today, I tried to bring enough stuff to work so I could stop this feeling.  I brought my WW egg sandwich, a can of tomato juice, a cup of raw cucumber, a cup of cooked broccoli and a cup of peaches.  I also have my WW frozen lunch entrée.   Crazy thing is I have a desire to wolf it all down now.  I don't believe I am actually hungry.  I think there is something wrong in my head.

My rings are really tight so I am not losing weight I feel like I am gaining.  So today I hope to get control of this with the extra veggies and fruits. 

My depression is pretty high right now too.  I have been going to bed around 8:00 each night and I am not doing anything except reading.  That is an escape mechanism for me.  Really weepy today.  My husband and I are planning to move back to WI in April.  And while I want to go back, it is really scary because we will have no income till we find jobs.  Also, I have a co-worker that I just want to scream at.  This is what I would scream -  SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.  She drives me nuts and is making my great job not so great. 

Okay, I am off to try to make this a good day.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

4/30/15

Apparently one of the many reasons I am over weight is my portion sizes are way too big.  Yesterday I felt like I was on an eating frenzy.  It was like I just couldn't get enough food.  Which, I am sure was NOT the case.

For lunch yesterday I went to Noodle & Co.  I had a coupon to try their new Buff Bowls.  No noodles.  Advertised as being chocked full of broccoli, red peppers, carrots, spinach and onions.  Could barely find a piece of broccoli.  It was mostly carrots.  I like carrots raw.  There is something about a slightly cooked carrot that just turns me off.   The normal price for this is $8.49.  I don't think it was worth it.  If it would have had lots of broccoli maybe.

This Saturday when I go grocery shopping I am going to stock up on broccoli, spinach and cucumbers.  Lots of cucumbers.  At least with cukes, I get the crunch and not so many calories. 

So being on Weight Watchers is not easy but then nothing is.  If there was something easy we would all be doing it. 

OA for Today - Pain persists until I give up trying to do things my way.

Couldn't be more true....

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

4/29/15

One day of Weight Watchers counting points.  No wonder I am overweight.  Everything I like is to high in points.  I need to find a way to eat vegetables.  I felt like I was starving yesterday.  Of course I wasn't.  I think it was just the thought of "nope, can't have that".  Like tonight my husband is making spaghetti.  I can only have 1/2 cup of noodles.  If you can only eat 1/2 cup of noodles...I salute you.  I am not a vegetable fan.  I do like cucumbers but I bet they are going to get old eating them every day.  I need to eat vegetables without hiding them in sauces and dips.  I don't know how I grew up hating them.  I can't eat a raw tomato at all.  I have tried many times.  Yuk.  But I can eat them cooked or made into spaghetti sauce!!  I also can't eat a mushroom.  The other vegetables I can eat a bit of.  This is going to be tough but I want to succeed.

OA tells you to ask your Higher Power for help.  I guess I had better start praying.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

4/28/15

I have such a hard time blogging and journaling.  I think it is because I beat myself up when I do it.

So this is what I did yesterday...I walked around to the other side of the block that I work on and joined Weight Watchers.  Since I am a food-a-holic I think about food all day long.  Well joining WW isn't helping with that in this first 24 hours because all I am doing is trying to figure out meals that stay in my point range.  It would be so helpful if I liked vegetables.  Veggies are mostly free foods.  My mother was a horrible cook so I think that is the reason I like junk food or pasta.  Joining WW was a hard thing to do. Since I can't seem to lose weight on my own, I feel like I have failed again.  But I need to get this weight off.  I am in so much physical pain.  I actually weighed in about 10 lbs less than I thought I would so that was a positive.  There is a WW meeting every day at noon at this location so I think I will try to go often, as if it were a OA meeting.

I purchased a used Kindle about 5 weeks ago and my co-worker told me about Kindle Unlimited on Amazon so I have been reading like crazy.  I am reading a series about a retired police office by Nelson DeMille.  I also read a book about Grover Cleveland.  Plus lots of other books.  At home I am reading Threat Vector by Tom Clancy.  The book itself is huge so I don't carry it back and forth to work with me.  It is nearly too big for me to hold even (because of the incredible pain in my hands and wrists)  The book didn't need to be that big.  The font and spacing are a bit larger than a normal book.  Tom Clancy must have a tiny..... never mind....

I finished my stitching project for my cousin.  I hope to wash it tonight and take a photo of it.  I bought a white frame for it.  After I iron it I will see if the frame is big enough and I will take it to Michael's to get framed this weekend.  I am going to the family reunion in Montana but I think I will ship this to my cousin ahead of me.

Have a great day. 

Friday, April 24, 2015

04/24/15

April Stitch From Stash update.

Month: April
Spent: $5.99 (on a piece of aida)
Earned: $15.00

I am calling this project done for April.  I only have a reading quote to stitch along the bottom and it will be done.  I will finish it this weekend.  My cousin is having a family reunion at her home over Memorial Day and this is her hostess gift for doing that.  I am soooo ready for a different project. In May, I think I will work on my Save The Stitches blackwork piece that I have been neglecting for over a month.


I haven't been blogging this year at all except for my SFS updates.  I stink as a blogger.  The only goal I have managed is not eating French fries.  Still not a big deal but it is the one thing I have successfully done so it is pretty important to me.

Hope your April was productive.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

032415

Nothing new and exciting to report.  My Stitch From Stash goals have not been perfect.

March
Spent: 6.99
Earned: 0.00

I just had to buy the Just Cross Stich Magazine.  I wanted the peacock, the iris and the blackwork pattern by Liz Almond.

I did not stitch as much as I would have liked.  I am working on
Let's Read by Ursula Michael.  I thought I would love it and it would be a fun stitch.  I am actually hating it.  I thought I would be done with it by now but it isn't going very fast.  I am doing it as a hostess gift for my cousin so I need to finish it.  I know my self well enough to know I can't stop working on it or it will go in a drawer to be found 20 years from now.  I think when I finish it I may turn my attention back to Save the Stitches.  I finished block 4 which means I have a long way to go on it.  I should work on it next.

I haven't been very good on my other goals.  My Bible reading is behind schedule.  I only have myself to blame.  I am still doing good on not eating fried foods.  Have not had a French fry or onion ring in 5 months.  Granted that isn't a hard goal, I'm just happy to be sticking with a goal.

Went to the apartment building gym yesterday and road the bike for 15 minutes.  Hope I can keep up with that. 

Hope we all have a great April.

Monday, February 23, 2015

2/23/15

I have not posted since my last Stitch From Stash update.  I have not been keeping track of my goals either.  Just my stitching goals.

So for February I spent $4.02 on floss and bell pull hardware. I earned $14.00 for my finishes. Swirling Hearts, 2 small hearts, daffodils and block 4 of Save the Stitches.


Thursday, January 22, 2015

1/22/15

Got home from work last night and was not quite as tired as the day before.  But I could feel another headache coming on so I sat down for awhile.  My husband is traveling for work so I am home alone.  I thought I would get so much done with him being gone but I am just not motivated.  Actually, I have been in some kind of funk since the beginning of the year.

I had a 6 inch tuna sub and bag a chips yesterday for lunch.  So when I got home from work yesterday I wasn't hungry.  Then when I did fix myself supper I had small portions.  But I always like something sweet.  Had a couple rice crispy bars. 

I didn't sleep well last night, I had an unpleasant encounter with a pervert on the subway yesterday and it was quite upsetting.  No incidents on the ride home or the ride in today.  I hope I can keep my eyes open all day at work.  I already feel like I could nap.

Last night I got a little bit of stitching done on my daffodils.  It is a small project but I am a slow stitcher.  I am out of floss on two colors for this project so I had to BUY some.  Kept it to just what I need.

Have not failed on my avoiding French fries.  We had bagels and cream cheese at work and I was good there too.  I think it is the sweets and potato chips that get me.

Today's scripture is Rev 4:11 - God created all things so he is worthy of our praise.
Today's OA For Today asks if I am to caught up in achievements and acquisitions that have nothing to do with my spiritual wellbeing.   I believe that is true.  For today: I need no formal knowledge to pray and meditate, just a conscious effort to open myself to whatever comes.

I will pray for strength to not over eat today.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Stitch from Stash update 1/21/15

Well all my good intentions to blog everyday have not gone like I had hoped.  But today I need to get my Stitch for Stash goals posted.  I will have to hit my food goals later.

Stitch for Stash - Month of January 2015
Spent $ - Zero!!
Earned - Finished block 3 of Save the Stitches and did a small yellow rose.  I think that equates to $12.00
New Starts - I am working on daffodils

I added a picture of the musical one I did in December,  Finished it on 12/31/14.  All the components are from left over stash.



 
Here are the goals I set for myself for 2015:

1.      Spiritual

a.      Read daily scripture

b.      Study for meetings

c.      Go to Sunday worship and Friday Bible study

2.      Health

a.      Keep forbidden foods (French fries, onion rings, bread basket)

b.      Small portions

c.      Drink more water

3.      Emotional

a.      Journal -blog

b.      read

 
4.      Materialism

a.      Stitch from Stash

b.      Do I really need this?

 
5.      Creativity

a.      Stitch every day