Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tuesday 7/28/15 Stayed on track last week.

I weighed in today at WW.  Down 3.2 lbs.  For a total of 11 lbs.  It has taken 3 months but I am so happy to  have hit the first 10 lb mark.  I have to try hard not to sabotage myself now.  I had 3 days of abstinence last week.  My loving husband tried to temp me with ice cream and such but I just said no thank you.  Went to the grocery store on Saturday and felt those familiar cravings of needing to get potato chips or other nummy "bad" food.  I went shopping hungry - stupid thing to do.  But I stayed on plan.  I got myself a diet coke to drink in the car since it is so hot and humid here.  Just so happy with myself.

The feeding frenzy feeling is back today and yesterday.  In my food plan I give myself a small treat after supper.  It works for me and I was able to turn my husband down on his high calorie treats.  But Sundays get all messed up.  He likes a big Sunday meal around 2:00.  It goes back to the thing where he eats 2 giant meals a day and is okay.  I need my 3 meals a day.  So by Sunday night I was snacking again.  Sunday night I had a large piece of blueberry pie. Then later some chips that my dear husband bought. I did say no to the ice cream.  What I have learned at OA is that having the sugary pie is probably what is sending my body into the frenzy again.  The sugar and I don't get along.  Also the fat in chips is another trigger.  THEN, on Monday a co-worker brought me a half of a lemon pound cake.  It is sitting on my desk taunting me.  So tonight it is going to the homeless man that is at the subway entrance.  I put a clean plastic fork in the bag with the cake and he hopefully he will enjoy it.

All the problems in the world and I am obsessed with food.  It is just not right.  So tomorrow, I will get back on my eating plan and hope for at least 4 days abstinent, or 5, 6, etc....

I am stitching away at my Woodland fox.  Was too tired to even look at it last night.  I don't think it will be done by the end of the month.  So many projects so little time.

Still reading Waterlily by Ella Cara Deloria.  Interesting so far.

One day at a time.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Finally Friday 7/24/15

I went to the dentist this morning and he says my gum is not infected.  I have to go with that but I think he is wrong.  He says it is just irritated by the temporary crown.  Oh and by the way we are cancelling your new crown installation for tomorrow.  You can come in next Friday.  Seriously!  I have to have this bump and icky tasting thing in my mouth another week.

After the dentist I had to head to work.  2 1/2 hours later than usual so I was traveling the subway with the DC tourists.  At one stop about 100 FFA students get on and then a few stops later about 300 people get on.  When we get to my stop about 500 people get off the subway and are standing in line for the escalator.  Which has not worked in months so people are trying to go up and down.  I thought I might be stuck in the stupid subway all morning.  So glad to get to work.  But my day seems all discombobbled.

I am so ecstatic to report that yesterday I can say that I was abstinent.  I had a GREAT food day.  My husband got out crackers and cheese but I had already eaten dinner so I declined.  So proud of me. Then later he got out ice cream.  I declined.  I had already had my allowed dessert.  Really proud of me!!  I can only hope this translates into weight loss.  I am also hoping to keep this going.  Of course, for some crazy reason, I self sabotage myself all the time.

OA For Today:
I celebrate the miracle of my new life in OA.  Yes I am!

I really hope to have a good weekend.  I know I have to go to Walmart.  My vacuum cleaner died and I need a new one.  Along with restocking some supplies.  

I did finish the book The Year of Fog.   Not sure how I feel about it.  Don't want to spoil the ending for anyone so I won't go into it.  Next book is Waterlily by Ella Cara Deloria.   

I could read and stitch all week end and be a happy girl..

Thanks for reading my blog.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Stitch from Stash July check in

Stitch from Stash July check in.

Spent 3.75 on floss for my fox
Earned 4.00 for block 7 of Save the Stitches.

I have no pictures today.  I put 2 new pages on my blog with pictures.  One for 2015 finishes and one with older finishes.  The pages don't look that great because... let's face it...I really have become technology challenged.

I have been attempting to work on my goals.  I am reading my Examining the Scriptures Daily book each morning.  Today's scripture is Gen 26:4 The promise of a Messiah through Abraham's family line.    
I have been listening to lots of OA meetings and trying to work the OA program.  I feel like I am doing really well.  I still haven't worked any exercise into my life.  I am hoping that will come as I continue.  

I have been stitching on my Woodland fox for my niece.

I am reading The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond.  I really hope this has a happy ending.  It is a sad story so far.

I have been talking to my sister.  She fights food in the same ways I do.  We both stuff our feeling down with food.  We have to stop that.  It doesn't help it just makes the problem worse.  

I think the dental work I had done a week and a half ago is infected so I will be at the dentist tomorrow morning.

I think that is all the updates I have today.

Have a great day.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Tuesday 7/21/15 Weigh In

Last week at my weigh-in I had gained 4.4 lbs.  That was on Thursday.  Today when I weighed in I was down 4 lbs.  Wow! I knew I was being good.  I tried to eat smaller portions.  Yesterday, I told my husband that I had been good all weekend.  He said "no you weren't you had strawberry shortcake".  Well... yes I did. But we bought a big (too much) bucket of fried chicken from the Lancaster Dutch stand.  In 2 days , which is 4 meals I had 4 pieces of chicken.  3 of those pieces were wings.  He had 10 pieces.  I need to get him to understand portions.  AND I didn't pig out on the shortcake, I just had a piece.  It was controlled.  He also doesn't understand that I need lunch so he thinks I over ate because I had 3 meals.  He at his entire large breakfast at Denny's on Saturday morning and I ate half of my breakfast sandwich and just picked at the hash-browns.  So while I still don't consider myself in a state of abstinence yet, I think I am making progress.  Last night he made huge salads for us for supper.  He thinks that is diet food.  There was way too much.  So I split mine in half and had it for lunch today too.

Another thing that might be helping me this week is Earl Grey tea.  I bought some for work.  It is suppose to aid in digestion and I think it is working.  (Just use your imagination there).

I read recently that although alcoholics cannot drink alcohol they still need to drink something.  Same with foodaholics.  We can't have trigger foods but we still need to eat.
Potato chips, Doritos, etc, I have no control over and I have to stay away from them.

OA For Today:  I have taken the 1st step. God, help me to stay on this new path toward physical, mental, and spiritual recovery.

Onto other things, I am still stitching on my fox.  I started a new book yesterday too.  The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond.  I love to read.  I could spend the whole day going back and forth between reading and stitching.

My husband and I are still talking about retirement and finances.  We are putting ourselves on a budget but I think we have changed our move home to WI date to Sept of 2017.  Ugh!  Although that goes along with what I told people when I married him.  I would be back in 10 years.

Writing this blog has made me realize, I have a pretty dull ordinary life.  Most days that is okay.    I need to have my brother and sisters around me.  That is when the fun starts.   :-)

Monday, July 20, 2015

Monday 7/20/15

Last week I finally hauled myself over to WW and weighed in.  A gain of 4.4.  I knew it was going to be up.  I was quite worried about spending the weekend with my husband away form home because every meal is eaten out.  I think I did pretty good.  I kept my meal portions down.  At the one restaurant I had a burger but didn't eat the bun and had them hold the fries.  I did have the heel of the complimentary bread they brought to the table.  Also, I haven't had a French fry since last November.  Yay!   I wouldn't say I conquered being abstinent yet.  Mainly for things like:  at the movie, I did get a small popcorn and water.  I didn't get a coke like usual.  So small steps.  We saw the Minions.  I loved it.  The music was great.

One thing about eating with my husband is he eats a big breakfast and I can't eat like that. My portions need to be small.  So he will not eat until supper time and then eat a big meal.  Meanwhile, by suppertime I am starving.  Then I overeat.  I need to have a lunch.  He doesn't seem to understand that.

We did a little bit of walking and boy am I out of shape.  My feet and legs hurt. But as I heard at OA, feel the pain don't hide it.  The pain is proof of what you have done and you need to be aware to stop doing it.

I did some spiritual reading this weekend, so I made progress on that goal.  I did get time to work on my cross stitch fox.  And I finished the book "Top Secret Twenty-One" by Janet Evanovich.

My husband and I spent a great amount of time this weekend talking about finances and whether we can actually retire Sept 2016.  We are looking hard at it and going to have another discussion tonight.
I don't actually get to retire.  I lost my retirement fund when the place I worked at was sold.  The little amount that I was given after the sale was lost in a very nasty divorce.  If I leave my job in 2016 instead of 2017 I lose 5,000.00 of the little tiny retirement fund I have built up in the job I am in now and have had for 4 years.   My honey hates his job and I hate the east coast so I am hoping he sticks with the 2016 retirement date.  I told him if he doesn't retire then I want to fly home more often.  Like on July 4th to hang out with my sisters and cousins in Cannon Falls MN.  Fun times.  Don't think he liked that idea.

OA For Today: Growth is the opposite of control,  Another way to put it is learning to Let Go and Let God.  Do I really need to be in control...or can I trust in my Higher Power?

OA Voices of Recovery: Today I live in reality and truly avoid making situations larger than they really are.

Examining the Scriptures Daily: Support the Weak.  1Thess 5:14

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Thursday 7/16/15

Yesterday was pretty good.  I won't call it abstinent because of some light snacking last night.  But it was a fairly good day.  Don't even know why I snacked.  There was absolutely reason for it.  So starting again.

Today's OA meeting was mostly about not being a people pleaser. For Today: I seek my own approval first, then the approval of others.

If you would like to join me in the 6:45 OA Sunrise Meeting.  It is Eastern Standard Time, 6:45am.  Dial 712-432-5200,  When the voice asks for your meeting id, key 4285115#
You can then listen in to the readings and the comments.  If you want to comment just press *1 to unmute and when done *1 again to mute your phone.

I don't write on my blog that often but I have been working at getting better.  I don't write here on the weekends either.  My plans for the weekend are probably stupid being that I am a foodaholic.  My husband would like to go to the Lancaster Dutch meat market in Germantown MD.  So we will be driving there and buying food.  There is also a candy booth, bakery booth, cheese booth and deli booth.  We will also stop at the orchard.  Crazy right?  We are bringing coolers so that we can stop at the movie theater in Gaithersburg MD and not have it spoil.  I will do my best to buy only healthy items and the meat that my husband wants.

From Examining the Scriptures Daily : Eph 3:14, 15 I bend my knees to the Father........

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Wed 7/15/15

Yesterday wasn't too bad of a food day but I can't call it an abstinent day, so starting again today.  Got my food planned out.  My sister is trying to drink a gallon of water a day and I know from years and years of weight loss programs that drinking lots of water helps.  Yuk!  So I have made some ice tea hoping to get my liquid intake up today at work.

I mentioned yesterday that I was reading the book "The Middlesteins".  I will try not to give away the whole book but it is basically about a woman that shovels food in all day and part of the night.  Some of it was a little too close to home for me.  The story was so depressing and I kept thinking, "I hope there is a happy ending or some revelation".  The only think that made me say "HUH!" was near the end when the woman's skinny husband has an eating binge and he is stunned at his need and can't stop.  He thinks, this what his wife must have been feeling.  Then he says to himself, "Food is a wonder place to hide".  WOW moment for me.   I had gained a little bit when I moved on my own in the 70's.  I was right out of high school and on my own and it was scary.   I started to eat too much when married to my first and  horrible husband.  It was a coping mechanism for being in hell.  But when I left him and filed for divorce things got so ugly and I started the binge eating and fast food drive-bys like a crazy person.  I gained a ton of weight,  Food, indeed, is a wonderful place to hide.  Now to figure out if I am still hiding and from what or is eating now just a bad habit.  I really have nothing to hide from so I need to break this cycle.  Trying to really focus in on OA this week.

OA Today: The truth shall set you free
That is a quote from the Bible that has to do with the truth of God's Word but it can be applied to other things.  A food addiction is a fact, like your height.  In recognizing that truth, I am able to admit I am powerless over food, give up my will (to God) and become free.  
For Today: It is not a disgrace or a weakness to admit my powerlessness over food.  That is an idea that has nothing to do with the truth.

OA Voices of Recovery: Today, no more beating myself up by planning disagreeable food to punish myself.  My self esteem depends upon me being able to make and keep my commitments.

I hope to make it through today with these thoughts.

Started a new book to pleasure read today,  Top Secret Twenty-One by Janet Evanovich.  Decided to go to something light-hearted.  I should keep track of what I finish reading.  I read a couple of books a week.  I think I might be stunned by the list at the end of a year.

Stitched a little bit on my fox last night.  His head is almost done. I must be holding my arm funny, it is starting to hurt.

Have a great abstinent day.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

7/14/15 Tuesday

I mentioned yesterday that I had been to the dentist on Saturday.  3 hours in his chair getting a filling removed and then a root canal.  In 2 weeks I get to go back for a crown - WOO HOO!  My mouth hurts so much and the really weird thing is it feels like deep inside my tooth it itches,  I think a by-product of this is a headache.  I can give my mouth a break during the day but at night I clench my jaw and I wake up with so much mouth pain.  Hope it heals soon.  The really down side is, it does NOT stop me from eating.

I was in no mood to walk over to weight watchers for weigh in today.  I will have to go tomorrow.  I know I have gained, I feel like I have.  I wish I could wrap my head around the feeling inside me that I want to go on an eating frenzy.  I am reading the book "The Middlesteins" it is about a women that eats a ton of food and has numerous food related medical problems.  I hope this book ends with some insight since I can kind of relate to this woman.

Last week and this week I have been listening to 4 OA meetings a day.  I don't think that is necessary anymore.  I now need to figure out which ones I can get the most out of.  This little tidbit came from today.  Compulsive overeating did an admirable job of helping me bury my fears alive.  Amazing how food can calm an anxiety.

Goodness, I am so tired right now I could lay my head down and go to sleep.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Monday 7/13/15 Starting again.

Last week didn't go very well food wise.  The heat and rain really got me down.  I have this pulled muscle in my upper thigh/groin and it is not getting better.  Then on Saturday I spent 3 hours in a dentist chair getting a root canal.  Now my face hurts. I didn't do any of my spiritual reading.  Just a major downer.  I did stitch a little bit on Sunday.

So starting the week yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary.  But since I didn't feel good we didn't celebrate by going out,  We are going to Maryland this coming weekend to visit some of the places we liked when we lived there.  Like the Lancaster Dutch Market in Germantown and the orchard in Gaithersburg.

Today, Monday, the OA readings really hit home for me.  I don't live in the present I am always living in the future in my head it will be better when...  Not the way to live,

OA For Today:  I refuse to sacrifice today for a tomorrow that never comes. I have everything I need to live today.  

I am going to focus on that today.

In OA Voices of Recovery: When I take my fear to God, He gives me the ability and the desire to see my life more clearly.  My faith leads me to everything I need to surmount my difficulties if I am open to receiving the gift.  I trust that God will take care of me.

Those were really powerful readings for me today.  I hope I can keep them in mind all day

Have a great day everyone.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

7/8/15 Am I in Bondage

Yesterday I weighed in.  I skipped weigh in last week and we went on a mini vacation over the 4th. So lots of things not in my favor but I didn't gain.  I stayed the same.  Huge relief.  Now to stay on track today.

I tried to start journaling again.  While I love the idea of it, I just am not disciplined enough to do it.  I also do not like tracking my food.  Every weight loss program I have been a part of says to do that.  I get the logic of it.  You have to be aware of what you are putting in your mouth.  I need to work harder at that.

I was hoping to get back on the exercise bike yesterday too.  I will use any excuse to avoid it.  It was so hot, humid and miserable yesterday so by the time my hour commute was over I was done in. I know! Stupid reason.   I didn't do any spiritual studying or stitching last night either.  I am reading War Brides by Helen Bryan and I did get caught up in that last night.

This morning's For Today was good.  Am I really honest with myself or do I use old rationalizations as to why I am obese?  Basically stop making excuses be honest with yourself.

Also today's Voices of Recovery was good: Clearly, if we are to live free of the BONDAGE of compulsive eating, we must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause us problems.  The idea of being in bondage to certain foods and eating behaviors is in striking contrast to the way I live, in that, these foods and behaviors are "treats".

Abstinence opens the prison door.  If I can jump this hurdle life would get so much better.  One day at a time.

Another OA member had mentioned that he has an allergy to these trigger foods.  An allergy causes an adverse reaction.  I can see that I am allergic to sugar, sweets, fried foods, junk food etc.  So I need to tell myself that if I eat that it will cause an allergic reaction.

Something to think about...................

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

7/7/15 Getting back to the program

My husband and I spent July 4th weekend in North Carolina.  He wanted to go back to Camp LeJeune and U of NC - Wilmington. It was a walk down memory lane for him.  Some closure I hope and some very emotional times.  We stopped at the Beirut Memorial.  He was in the Beirut war.  I don't think I have ever seen him that emotional.  He has lots of painful memories from his combat years in the Marine Corp. We drove past the places he had lived in Jacksonville NC.  I hope this trip makes his PTSD better and not worse.  We are moving from DC back to Wisconsin in August of 2016 and we know we are never coming back to the east coast.  I hate it here and he got stuck here because of his first wife. So he wanted this trip to say good-bye to past days.

He hasn't lived in the "northland" in 41 years so I hope he won't be sorry to move back.  I don't know if he can handle the winters.  Winters in DC are a piece of cake temperature wise.  I have only been gone for 8 years so I am so excited to go back.

My eating was pretty good over this holiday weekend since every meal we ate was in a restaurant or fast food place.  Although I did have too many cokes.  I don't think I overate until the last night.  We ordered pizza and there is just no stopping me.  But yesterday at home it seemed we were both starving.  Don't know what triggered that.

I will weigh in at WW today and hope that it isn't too bad of a gain.

I did lots of stitching and reading yesterday.  I need to exercise but I would rather stitch and read.

Thought for today from Sir John Templton:  An Attitude of Gratitude Creates Blessings.

I am truly blessed with great friends, wonderful family and amazing husband,