Thursday, March 31, 2016

Thursday 3/31/16

Yesterday's OA For Today reading was about anger. It ended with For Today: Sanity is not how well I can hide my anger; it is having no need to react to people, places and things by becoming angry.

I spent a good amount of time thinking about that yesterday.  In the beginning of 2007 I was in the process of a divorce and it was nasty.  I was married to a man that refused to work.  He had been unemployed for over 10 years.  We had been married 25 years.  And all of a sudden the man that owned the bank I worked at sold it to a large bank conglomerate.  So after 28 years of dedicated service, being on call 24/7, I was jobless.  He made millions from the sale and I got a very small bonus.  Which I had to give to my ex-husband because of the marital property laws in Wisconsin that say the party being divorced has the right to be kept in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.  So after the house I had paid for had been sold (I had to give that money to my ex too) I moved 1000 miles away.  Oh boy was there anger.  I have never been a skinny person but I had this freedom and all this anger and I ATE.  I put on 60 more pounds.  The anger and resentment lasted for years.    I'm not as angry anymore but I am still scared of my ex.  I still do have resentment too.  I just can't seem to let it go.  I NEED to let that go.  I feel like I am a good person and to get stabbed by "the system" and the men in my life (at the time) really sent me into a deep resentment.  I look back on 2008 and can see now how I was stuffing my face like a crazy person.  All that has done is damage my body.

I have to find happiness.  I must let go of this resentment.  I still have bad dreams about my ex.  They went down a bit for a while but now that we are moving back to Wisconsin, in the fall, the dreams have started again.  I really believe given the opportunity my ex would run me over with his car. Scares the heck out of me.  So many emotions to let go of.  Today's For Today: I turn my life over to my Higher Power and in return I receive the full use of my God-given potential.

How true is that.  I have a good life.  A good husband.  A great job.  I am a good person. I do not need this anger and resentment.

In today's OA's Voices of Recovery:Are we afraid to express ourselves, to tell others how we feel?  I have an emotional and physical disease with a spiritual solution.  Hiding my feelings from myself and others is certainly one of the roots of my illness.  Each time I pick up my pen to write (or type), I move myself along the path of freedom, awareness, acceptance love and recovery.

As I was pondering all this today, I realized that I have anger and resentment for a really long time.  My mother was abusive and living with her was horrible.  Not as bad as some children have it.  She was verbally abusive.  By the time I had turned 18 and moved out on my own I had no self esteem. She told me I was ugly, stupid and would amount to nothing for nearly all those 18 years.  So I can see now why I have always had eating issues.  Discussing my feelings would have NEVER been a good thing to do as a kid.  That would have been fuel to her fire.  I have not learned how to properly express my feelings.  The fear of being attacked for who I am is a huge fear.

I have so many thoughts running through my head today.  It is going to be hard to concentrate on work.

I am off to think happy thoughts.........

Monday, March 28, 2016

Cherry Blossoms in DC

Saturday (3/26/16) was cold here but the sun was shining so we went down to the Tidal Basin in DC and I took some pictures.  I wanted to get pictures before we move away since I don't plan on coming back here.

Jefferson Memorial

In the background the 3 prongs coming up is the Air Force Memorial.  To the right of it is the Pentagon but you can't see it.

Washington Monument

I am having a crabby day so all I am going to do is post the beauty of the Cherry Blossoms.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Wed 3/23/16

I have a couple things weighing on my mind today.  First one, is I am so worried about my sister.  she is an incredible person.  She is married to an alcoholic who is verbally mean.   I want so much to help her but I have to remember I am just here to support her in anyway she needs.

My second issue is my co-worker, M the bigot.  There are only 4 people in our office.  This week it is just me and her.  I hate confrontation so I just listen to her and don't argue with her.  Monday and Tuesday she spent a couple hours putting down our boss.  He reprimands her all the time.  She doesn't understand why.  She thinks he is losing his mind.  I think she is trying to instigate me against him.  I think she has done that with a few of our members.  I wish I had the backbone to confront her.  I want to tell her, "If you would shut up when he talks, instead of trying to talk over him, maybe you would hear what he says.  Instead of trying to convince me that he never said anything."  She babbles incessantly.  I need to tell her this but I just don't see it happening.  I don't have what it takes to tell her she is wrong.  She isn't my employee.. And to alienate a fellow employee when there are only 4 of us here doesn't seem like a wise move.  Hopefully today if she starts to bad mouth him again, I will be able to at least say that I don't want to hear it anymore.  Also, how to I criticize a person when I have so many faults of my own.  Please God, direct me in the proper response...

My eating isn't going so good right now.  I am not totally out of control, just not making good choices.  I have a headache today.

Tonight is the Memorial of Christ's death.  I am looking forward to going tonight and acknowledging Jesus' sacrifice.

Please God, direct me today.....

News on my stitching... I am still slowly plugging away on my 2nd tribal rooster.  But I got my Save the Stitches back from the artist in Israel.  She made the mat to go in the frame.  Her facebook name is Passifloral.

The picture makes the cloth look like it is white but it is actually a pale blue.  When I get it back I am going to try to take another picture of it that shows the cloth better.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Tuesday 3/22/16

I haven't been sleeping again.  I still can't lay on my left side because my incision still hurts.  It doesn't hurt all the time just when I try to lay on that side.  I think that is normal being they cut my leg all the way to the bone.  But I just have a hard time sleeping on my other side or my back.  I took a sleep aid last night to help me sleep and this morning I feel like I have a hangover.  Thankfully I have no bosses at work this week so I can sit quietly and not have to talk.

I opened my work email this morning and had a long email from my sister.  Quite a shocker.  She is so unhappy in her marriage and she wants out.  She has so many decisions to make and she wouldn't do this until her last child is out of the house.  Which is about 2 years.  I want so bad to put my arms around her and comfort her.  We live about 1300 miles apart.  This fall when we move back to the Midwest I will only be a 5 hour drive from her and I hope to spend more time with her  I love her so much and I hate that she is in emotional pain.  She is like me and full of physical pain too.  We have arthritis everywhere.  She needs another hip replacement too.

OA Voices of Recovery:  Getting out of my own way gives me the freedom to rise to the highest level of which I am capable.  This is God's plan for me: To be free of fear; To march after every single dream; To recognize where my passion is; To let my passion loose; To be strong of mind, body and spirit; To grasp for all the the good things that could be mine; To love unreservedly; To keep the real priorities in front of me; To experience joy without limits. 

I am praying for a peaceful day today.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Monday 3/21/16

Start of a new week.  We had a good weekend.  On Saturday we spent some time packing.  We are still 5 months out form actually moving.  But it helps my husband's PTSD if he can move on something.  We didn't do that much but it was a lot of work so I guess I am glad we are starting early. We won't have to work so hard when it comes down to the end and really having to pack everything up.

Sunday we didn't do anything.  Just had a nice relaxing day.  I am reading a book by Anne Hillerman.  I did stitch a tiny bit too.  Still working on the tribal rooster.  We did pretty good on food too.  Although we did have dessert both nights.

OA For Today: There is time in my day to stop and take notice of what is around me:  the air, a fragrance, a sound.  For one minute I can forget what I have to do and let myself feel the moment with all the intensity of my being.  What a good thought.  Do I really appreciate all that surrounds me?  I should.  My life is better than a whole lot of other people.

OA Voices of Recovery: Life is to be savored.  Such good thoughts.

Thank you God,  for my life.  I will work to do your will.

Love & Peace.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Friday 3/18/16

Thank God it's Friday.  I am all caught up at work so I really don't have much to do today at work.  That makes a really long day when you are bored,

I have a page a day calendar with "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" quotes on it.  Today it says: Everyone is human and deserves to be forgiven.  Especially you!   What a nice thought.  I don't think I am carrying any grudges or resentments toward anyone except of course my ex-husband.  Not ready to forgive him yet for all the horrible things he did to me.  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him.  I need to let go of it though.  It isn't healthy to hate someone so much.  Or to fear someone so much.

OA For Today: I do what is possible for me to do and let God handle the rest.  I need no proof of God's existence to say Thank You for my abstinence and my freedom from compulsive overeating.

I stitched a bit last night.  I also finished a book and started a new one.  I love to read.  As a kid I think I read to escape the abuse of my mother.  When you lose yourself in a story you can forget the world around you for awhile.

Love and peace.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Thursday 3/17/16

Today OA is having a marathon.  This means that there is a phone meeting every hour.  Phone number is 712-432-5200.  PIN number is 4285115#

Today in OA's Voices of Recovery: I was my compulsive overeating.  I had lost my identity and all direction in my life.  The insanity of trying to fill the emotional & spiritual void with food consumed me.  I lost my health and my spiritual and emotional welling being and what little self esteem I had to this disease.

This was an eye opener for me.  In 2007, I lost my job of 28 years because of the sale of our bank.  I was in the process of an ugly divorce so I had to sell my house.  I had to get away from my scary ex-husband so I moved 1000 miles away from my home.  I didn't realize it at the time but I lost my identity along with my job and my home and because of the divorce I lost my pension too.  I now look back at 2007 and the next few following years and see how I was eating non-stop.  I gained 70 pounds.  I am still struggling, every day.  But I am not having food binges like I did back then.  I still have a very long road to recovery and it has been very slow.  I slip backwards often.

Today, I will commit to being abstinent.

On another subject.... here is my latest cross stitch project.  It is the second time I am doing this pattern, tribal rooster.  This one is on marbled sage aida and I am using DMC 51.  It is for another chicken loving friend.
Peace, love and happiness...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Thursday 3/10/16

It was 82 degrees outside yesterday.  Should be that warm again today.  It went from 30 degrees to 82 in one day.  Just too warm too fast.  But it was beautiful out and I can hear the birds singing now in the morning.

I am thankful that I am here and healthy enough to enjoy the warm weather.

For Today: Acting with courtesy toward myself and others contributes much toward feeling good about myself, and enables me to share it with others.  For the most part of my life I think I am courteous.  I will be conscious of it today.

I finished reading Criminal Intent by Sheldon Siegel.  I enjoyed it.  I am now reading his second book, Incriminating Evidence.

I hope to stay abstinent today.

Voices of Recovery: Turning my life and my will over to God, as I understand God, means I cease demanding perfection of myself and others, of life.

Have a stress free and peaceful day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016


I am feeling lots of arthritis pain in my hands and my feet this week.  Not sure what is bringing this on.  I am working on cutting bread out of my diet.  I think that is part of the problem.  I have been walking with out my cane the last few days.  Because my "new hip" leg is slightly longer that my old leg, I walk with a weird gait.  It is pulling on my incision but I think that may be a good thing.  I have been walking over to CVS at lunch time to get a small salad they sell.  It only has 240 calories.  Now if I could rein in the snacking I would be doing good.

Today's OA "For Today" asks, Have I been careless with my program?  My answer is, Yes, I have.
OA For Today:I am ready to change--to be rid of the faults that are hampering my recovery.

OA Voices of Recovery: Abstinence, to me, is very simple.  It is refraining from compulsive overeating and continuing to work my program.  It is eating balanced meals.

Today I am hoping to stay in tune and present.

Love & Peace

Monday, March 7, 2016

3/7/16 Monday

Monday - a new beginning.  Monday's always feel like a new beginning to me.  The start of a new work week.  Hoping to stay on track this week with my food plan.  My boss will be gone most of this week so I will be alone in the mornings and can participate in the OA phone meeting instead of just listening in.  Also, my co-worker (M, the bigot) is out this week too.  So I will have peace and quiet. We sit in cubes so no privacy and she talks a lot, sometimes to herself, she just sits over there and babbles away.

On one of my blog pages, I am keeping track of what I have read this year so far.  I have read 10 books.  I don't know if that is normal, more or less that normal but I feel like a reading machine!!

I haven't been stitching all that much.  I have been working a little bit on a new tribal rooster.  I should get a picture of it to see what you think of the colors.

I really have a boring life.  I'm not complaining because boring is less stressful.  I use to be quite entertaining, now I think I am dull.  The only exciting thing in my life is our move back to WI and it is hanging in limbo right now.  It is too early to do lots of things.  I am ordering some items that we won't unpack, we will just take them with us.  Right now we both work and have incomes but come the end of August we won't have jobs so there will be no buying of anything that isn't necessary to life.

I have been watching the airlines for a good price and Sun Country had a good sale so we are planning a quick trip to WI in May to check on the house that should be half built by then.

My husband is totally stressing about the move.  I am trying not to over-think it.  If I dwell on it I will make myself crazy like he is doing to himself.  We have a timeline and I think we should just cross each bridge as we get to it.  The only thing I am obsessed about is my disgusting and perverted ex-husband.  I am so worried that he will find out I am moving back and will start stalking me again. We are moving to a town that he has no ties too.  I hope that helps keep him away.

Peace and Love

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Thursday 3/3/16

This is my 2nd week back to work and all is going well.  The last 2 days have been not raining so I have gone outside at lunch time and walked around the block.  Granted I am basically going out to buy a salad for lunch but I feel good that I have walked that little bit.  I am not an exercise person so this is very positive for me.

I noticed this week that my joints hurt a lot more than they have in the 6 weeks I was at home.  I am thinking it might be do to my diet.  Being back at work I started eating a sandwich every day for lunch.  I think I might have a slight gluten allergy.  So I have stopped eating sandwiches.  This weekend I am going to look for some gluten free bread.  A sandwich is just an easy lunch.  If my honey and I go anywhere this weekend I think I will keep an eye out for a bookstore.  I would like to get a cookbook on "clean eating".  I need recipes, I'm just not menu creative.

I haven't been stitching very much.  I pulled out my "mason jar lineup" at the beginning of February. While I love the finished picture, I am hating stitching it.  I am on the back stitching of the white flowers on white aida.  I am hoping the next jar and flowers won't be so bad.  Mostly I have been stitching on another tribal rooster to avoid the mason jars.

The reading from OA's For Today was very good.  Here are some snippets: It is when we try to make our will conform to God's that we begin to use it rightly.  Seeking to conform my will with God's is what restores me to sanity.  It gives me abstinence, peace of mind, and freedom from obsession.  For Today: To know what God would have me do is my first priority, for that knowledge smooths my path and frees me to live with energy and love.
I enjoyed reading that today.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

3/1/16 New month

Some days I am just too tired to think.  I am still not sleeping well.  So today I just wanted to get my latest finish posted.  This is my tribal rooster.  I am doing another one in a different variegated thread for another friend.  This was done in a rainbow thread.

Have a good day.